In Pieces
by akili
Summary: Spock has to make a choice between his people and his dream of a career in Starfleet, all while grieving his tragic losses. Can he leave his life, and his love, behind for good? Takes place during ST:XI.
1. Chapter 1

Disclaimer: I do not own Star Trek or any of its associated content.

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Waking up without Spock felt unusual. It had been one thing on the ship when everything was chaotic and no one had time to think of sleeping; however, now that things had sunken in, now that it was truly set in everyone's mind that an entire planet of people with infinite potential and possibility had perished because of one man's sick need for revenge, now Nyota wished that Spock was with her more than ever. She had seen him in passing as the media swarmed him and the admirals continued to debrief him. He'd come to her silently just after returning from his adventure on the Jellyfish, his skin on fire and his eyes still slightly wild, but that had been all. Nyota tried not to be paranoid, after all it had only been days since they returned to Earth, but she thought that Spock might be avoiding her.

Gaila's ship had docked first and she had returned to Starfleet Academy before the Enterprise had returned to its home base and awaited Nyota in their room. Nyota was officially a Lieutenant, and even Kirk, the captain of the ship she had served on knew about her relationship with Spock but she still couldn't bring herself to reveal everything to Gaila. It was too much like she'd been lying to her friend. If Nyota was honest, Gaila was, after Spock, her best friend ever. When Gaila asked her if she was okay, Nyota nodded and told her the story but never mentioned how her stomach had dropped when Spock had boarded Nero's ship and how she wanted to protect him when she saw his planet implode but could not act or think fast enough to do anything.

Nyota knew that the away team was composed of who it was meant to be composed of. Pike had specifically requested people with combat experience but Nyota still thought that she could have been of use if she had been an extra set of hands on the drilling platform or even if she had thought to insist on beaming to the surface of Vulcan with Spock, perhaps she could have held onto Amanda's hand to prevent her fall. Lying alone in bed, not knowing what Spock was thinking or feeling, Nyota silently cried. She knew it was too late. She had not done enough to prevent the tragedy that had befallen her lover, his people.

Nyota had her own meetings to attend. Her presence was requested by any number of officials. Her father Kiano, who was chief of staff to the President of the Federation, had been keeping a careful eye on everything to ensure that his daughter was psychologically well; however, Nyota was ready for the dangers of being aboard a starship and she'd already proven herself to be resilient. The meetings went by in a blur. She was honored by Starfleet for her performance on the bridge of the Enterprise. The commendations that she received were nothing compared to those that were received by James Kirk and Spock, but she appreciated the recognition nonetheless. No one found anything amiss in her communications records and, to her relief, no one mentioned that she had behaved inappropriately when saying goodbye to Spock on the transporter pad.

Nyota was fairly sure that gossip was spreading like wildfire about her relationship with Spock although she held out hope that Kirk and Scott would be discrete. Spock was the man of the moment and surely in conversing about him others might mention that he'd called her by her first name and openly kissed her in the transporter room. Nyota rolled over in the single bed. She would have to deal with that as it came. It would not take too long for people to recall the hours that Nyota had spent in Spock's office and that she had been his student for several semesters. Someone would make the connection. Hopefully things would be settled by then and it would be a moot point.

"Hey love." Kiano said, touching Nyota gently on the shoulder. She had gone to meet him for lunch, a concession to his insistence that she was looking too thin.

"Hey baba." Nyota said quietly. She looked up at her father who, at nearly seventy, still looked no more than a few years her senior. Nyota continued to speculate that her father was not completely human, a spurious thought that she'd entertained since she was a child.

"So how'd the last round of meetings go?" Kiano opened a menu as he spoke, keeping an eye on Nyota.

"Fine. They added a commendation to my record. There's going to be some sort of ceremony next week. I don't think it'll be explicitly mentioned though."

"And your young man?" Kiano asked still pretending to read the menu. Nyota had told her father about Spock near the beginning of their relationship and he had been unsurprised. He'd said that it was predictable. He'd grown quite fond of Spock in the interim although he continued to have a unique perspective on Spock's father. Now that Spock's mother was dead though, Kiano no longer wished to simply engage Spock in chess and conversation. He wanted to offer his deepest sympathies.

"I don't know. I haven't really seen him since we got back." Nyota looked down at the table, her mouth suddenly dry.

"I'm sure that he's thinking of you Ny. I'm sure that he's just trying to hold it together for his father, his people and for himself. It's only been a few days, after all. He'll come to you when he's ready. Nyota, losing a parent of old age, when you expect it, it's hard stuff. Losing his mother, his whole planet? I can't imagine what he's feeling."

"Yeah. Neither can I." Nyota frowned at the bitter edge to her own voice. "I just wish I could have a few moments with him baba." She whispered quickly. "I'm so worried about him. The things I saw on the ship." Nyota shook his head.

"Did something happen?" Kiano asked thoughtfully.

"There was a fight." Nyota looked down at her lap. "It was horrible. I've never seen him like that."

"God. Poor Spock." Kiano frowned. "He's a Vulcan and if he lost control... the emotional toil he's experiencing must be overwhelming." Kiano, unlike most Humans, had grown up with Vulcans. He was not surprised that Spock was capable of violence. He knew where Vulcans had come from and that Surak's teachings of dispassionate logic were comparatively recent in their long history.

"Yeah." Nyota sighed. "I can't do anything to help him. I feel so..." Nyota struggled to hold back tears. "Useless."

Kiano came around the table, sat and put an arm around his daughter, pulling her in close to him. Nyota cried and let her father comfort her. So much had been lost and even if Spock had been with her, she would have felt foolish grieving for his people in a way that even he could not. He had lost so much and the unfairness of it all, the lunacy of a single man's actions stuck in Nyota's stomach and pressed against her lungs. But the crying helped. And her father helped. Kiano held Nyota and waved the waiter away while she sobbed into his chest.

***

Spock was walking with his father and one of the Federation officials. Spock thought that he might recognize him from overhearing Kiano Uhura's calls during their chess matches but he could not be sure and decided that it would, in no way, be appropriate to ask. It was hard for Spock to even consider what might be appropriate on this world, his only home now, because inside of himself he was on fire with rage and smoldering with grief.

Spock's desperation at losing his mother had mostly distracted him from the physically palpable feeling of T'Pring dying. It was as if a branch had been violently snapped from a tree, however, the tree was his mind. Spock imagined leakage from the space that T'Pring once occupied, small though it was, but the chasm that was left in his heart at the death of his mother made it feel as though he had merely been hit with a pebble. Spock truly had no idea what to do.

He had been trying to meditate over the last week since they had returned to Earth after everything that had happened; however, his mind continued to wander. He could not focus. Spock thought he should have saved her. He should have done more to prevent the drill. Logic said that he did his very best, that no one could have anticipated something so sinister and that what he did accomplish, the saving of Earth and the Vulcans charged with preserving Vulcan culture was more than adequate; but still, guilt lingered within him. Spock had no peace.

Spock had changed so much in the past days, he had not even seen Nyota. Even though he had not been able to make time for her he sensed that she was longing for him, even in his distressed state. Inwardly, Spock felt worse for avoiding her. He threw himself into meetings and events, hoping that focusing on them would simultaneously give him a moment of respite from thinking about his mother's face as she fell and Nyota's concerned eyes in the turbolift when the planet was destroyed. Spock wondered if he'd lose Nyota during those days as well. If he dared reach inward, he could still feel his desire for her company and her body, but it was all buried under the rubble of heartache and pain.

Spock knew he should speak with Nyota, that she would, even if unable to comfort him, share his grief. She would mourn with him and do her best to commiserate. Spock could not bring himself to do it though. He didn't trust his emotions. He had attacked Kirk. He had kissed Nyota openly. Both actions, Spock could admit, were deeply satisfying but not something he was proud of. Spock was unsure what he might do to her now, in this unusual state. He did not think that he would ever physically hurt Nyota but he would never have thought that, as captain of the Enterprise, he would have beaten Kirk. Spock never thought that he could feel this way. He certainly had never thought that he would be thinking of putting everything behind him, Nyota and Starfleet, to assist in finding a new home for his people. Things, however, had changed.

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Author's note: Thanks to ayachan1412 for being my beta reader! She has a much better memory than me and keeps me consistent!

So this story actually takes place during the movie. It's meant to be from the time the Enterprise returns to Earth through the time that Spock accepts his post under Kirk on the Enterprise.


	2. Chapter 2

Disclaimer: I don't own star trek or any of its associated content

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McCoy passed Nyota as she walked the campus idly. He stopped, turned around and looked back at her. She didn't seem to notice.

"Uhura?" McCoy stepped quickly to catch up with her.

"Len." Nyota kept her eyes downcast.

"Are you okay?" McCoy stood in front of her, blocking her path and forcing her to look up at him.

"I don't think so Len." Nyota finally met his eyes.

"I..." McCoy struggled for words. He'd always suspected something was going on between her and the Vulcan. The half-Vulcan. He saw how close they were and it had only been months ago that he'd really started to put two and two together. McCoy hadn't been as surprised as Kirk had been. In fact, McCoy had gone out of his way to keep his suspicions about Nyota and Spock to himself. He was not sure about Spock but he trusted Nyota and after meeting her mother, he trusted Nyota's judgment and ability to survive even more. "This has to be really hard on you two." McCoy said gently. "I cannot imagine losing an entire world. I was a wreck after just losing my wife... and she's still alive."

"No. I don't think I can either Len." Nyota was out of tears for the moment. She just felt slightly numb, a hole left where Spock should have been. Nyota had faced tragedy before. It had not been like this. "I haven't really seen Spock since we've been back though." Nyota considered McCoy, debating how much she could disclose. She had a distinct sense that McCoy had known about her and Spock for some time. He had rushed to Spock's office to prevent her estranged mother from walking in on them in a private moment. Nyota had mulled the experience over in her mind and could think of no logical explanation beyond him wishing to protect their careers. "I can't think of anything to keep me busy either." Nyota frowned.

"You haven't seen him?" McCoy asked, unbelieving. "How is that possible? He's all over the news. Him and Jim both. If he can appear on television, he can appear at your side."

"I don't know." Nyota shrugged. "I just haven't. I know he's busy. I don't want to press him or interfere. I... I'm still not sure whether it's okay for us to be together here. I don't want to push our luck."

"Well, Uhura, I can tell you what I think. Your boyfriend saved the Earth from imploding by launching a ship filled with red matter into the ship of a lunatic. I don't think anyone would care if you guys were together, you know, then." McCoy gestured awkwardly trying not to envision Spock being romantic toward Nyota. He'd heard from Kirk about what had happened in the transporter room and that had been enough.

"Yeah. I don't know." Nyota shook her head. "But that's not the real problem. I don't think he wants me around right now. I can't tell for sure but I am getting the feeling that he's avoiding me. Using all that's going on to stay away. There's something he's avoiding Len." Nyota looked up at McCoy, embarrassment crossing her face suddenly. "I'm sorry Len. You don't want to hear all of this and if Spock knew I was talking to you about it? He'd freak out."

"Heh." McCoy said, dryly. "A few weeks ago I'd have made a crack about what a Spock freakout looked like but I know now."

Nyota didn't smile as had been McCoy's intention. She just looked more perplexed and sad. McCoy told Nyota that she simply needed find Spock and talk to him. He noted that it would be better, whatever they were experiencing, together than apart. He said that he knew from experience that it was better to work things through early than to wait until they got bigger. Then he reached out and hugged her. It was an unusual gesture for McCoy who was known for being somewhat surly; however, he could not think of what else to do for his friend. Nyota had been there for McCoy numerous times. She had comforted him when he was down, she'd made him laugh, she'd brought him through exams and she'd talked him out of giving up on being a student again. Finally, he looked down at Nyota and told her to trust him, he was a doctor. At last, she smiled.

***

Spock watched as his father crossed a room full of Federation officials to meet him. Spock took a deep breath. The meeting was to find temporary lodging for the children that had been evacuated from Vulcan as the Vulcan High Command realized that the planet was under attack. The Vulcan government, in the moments that they had to prepare, rounded up as many children as possible. For every 15 children, one adult was allowed to board with them. Of the approximately ten thousand refugees that had escaped Vulcan's fate, only one percent was over the age of twenty. Sarek and several representatives from Vulcan's colonies had been offered housing from both Earth and, despite them not being members of the Federation, Betazed.

Almost all planets in the quadrant had reacted to the destruction of Vulcan generously. It had even been rumored that, in order to distance themselves from a genocidal madman, the Star Empire was making a gift of supplies to their long distant cousins. The Klingons offered blood to those refugees that had just barely made it from the planet and were injured. Tellarians and Andorians committed to the rebuilding of Vulcan homeworld and insisted in funding its first stages. The Federation itself also committed to playing a strong role.

Spock looked around. He recognized several faces as those politicians that had only come back to Vulcan on occasion from Vulcan's colonies and the members of the high council that he had rescued. Spock sensed that a significant portion of the Vulcan population was held in this room. It was unnerving. He wondered if he would ever shake the lingering sense that it could all happen again, that someone else could erase centuries of culture and possibility within a few hours. He had not been successful thus far, illogical or not.

"Spock." Sarek said. His eyes looked tired. Of course Sarek was grieving for his lost wife and planet just as Spock was grieving. Spock had not been the only person to lose emotional control and he could not readily blame his attack on the captain on his humanity. Sarek had admitted to loving Amanda. It was unexpected. Spock had not given it full thought but on the occasions that his mind did drift to the events that had just followed the destruction of his home world, he wondered if it would have been helpful in the time that he had determined that he loved Nyota. Spock considered mentioning to Sarek but chose not to.

"Father. You asked me to meet you here. What is it that you need?" Spock asked rigidly.

"There will be a memorial soon. The Federation planets will contribute. You will be expected."

"Is that all Father? I was aware of the memorial." Spock tilted his head to the side slightly.

"No." Sarek hesitated. "There will also be a private memorial. For your mother. Your relatives will be attending."

Spock noticed that Sarek did not refer to his surviving human grandparent, aunts, uncles and cousins as his own family. It was logical; after all, Sarek only tolerated them out of respect to Amanda. Spock had as well. In truth he had no desire to feel more awkward than he already did and the idea of censoring himself to be Human appropriate was exhausting. It was not the first time that Spock's mind had drifted to Nyota in the time that he'd been on Earth since he'd saved the planet but it was the most impactful.

Spock's first reaction to the idea of spending time with his Human relatives was one of unpleasantness. He had rarely felt accepted by them. In Spock's mind he was, at best an obligation and at worst unwanted. Then another thought whisked through his mind. It would be acceptable if they were Humans like Nyota. Or even like Nyota's father. Spock followed that train of thought to its logical conclusion. He missed Nyota. He was still afraid of what he might do to her and that she would perceive his plan to leave Starfleet, he was not ready to broach that subject with her or experience the grief that would come from her absence from his life, but he desperately wanted to see her. He wanted to talk to her and share his thoughts, his real thoughts, and to let her hold him. Spock shook his head. He was being illogical. Now was a time to control his emotions. If he did not, he might do something that he regretted.

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Author's note: Thanks to ayachan1412 for being my beta reader! So ayachan1412 asked me why the Klingons would donate blood to Vulcans. I got this idea because Klingons are really resource poor-- they don't have a ton of money or useful stuff to donate but I also remembered that Klingons could donate blood to romulans (Memory alpha says:_ Klingon blood can contain ribosomes that are compatible for transfusion with a Romulan_.) and I figure that if the blood was compatible with a Romulan, it could also be compatible with a Vulcan since Vulcans and Romulans aren't that far apart genetically and physiologically-- and with so few Vulcans remaining, it would be useful to have blood for transfusion around. Anyway, I guess my main point was to have everyone come together a bit around the loss of Vulcan before getting back into war mode and whatnot.


	3. Chapter 3

Disclaimer: I don't own Star Trek or any of its associated content

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"Oh my God. T'Mana!" Nyota cried out when she saw the tall woman standing in her father's apartment. Nyota tried to hold back tears but she could not. Her first thought upon seeing Vulcan destroyed was for Spock but the immediate proceeding thought was for T'Mana.

"Child." T'Mana said softly, her own controlled face weakening against her tumultuous emotions. Unlike Spock, who described his emotions using the imagery of a volcano, T'Mana had thought of emotions were like a tempest under the glass that was logic. T'Mana's glass had a significant crack.

Nyota ran to T'Mana and embraced her with all of her strength. In a response that was unusual for the Vulcan woman, T'Mana hugged Nyota back. T'Mana was strong, but Nyota's fierce hug matched the older woman's strength. The pair embraced for a long while until Kiano entered the room. Kiano put a hand on Nyota's back

T'Mana sat and quietly spoke of her situation, regaining her composure as she detailed facts and figures. She had only heard from five of her children in the time since Vulcan was destroyed. She did not know how many had been lost. T'Mana had thirty eight grandchildren and had no idea what had become of them. Most were adults and it was logical to assume that they had perished, although surely some had been traveling as she had been. T'Mana had only escaped the destruction by chance. T'Mana explained that she assumed that her great grandchildren had, for the most part survived, but that identifying them and reuniting with them would be a long process, especially as the children were housed on various worlds that had offered their hospitality. T'Mana's black eyes were moist.

Nyota knew that T'Mana only had passion for two things. Justice and family. Nyota's heart broke as she saw the woman who had been her surrogate mother quiver at the edge of an abyss of grief. T'Mana had been the person who held Nyota's hand and encouraged her to follow her dreams. She knew that T'Mana had loved being a mother, grandmother and great grandmother. She was perfectly suited for it. She was infinitely patient, kind and encouraging. Nyota always felt safe around T'Mana and T'Mana prided herself on creating such an environment. The fact that she had not been there to make her children feel safe, that she could feel their fear and despair through her bond to them was heavy in the room around them. Kiano and Nyota were both well aware of T'Mana's love for her family, biological and chosen, and they truly grieved with her.

Despite the tragedy weighing on their hearts, T'Mana found joy in Nyota and Nyota found comfort in T'Mana. Nyota's gentle nature and desire to help, both learned at T'Mana's hand, helped clear T'Mana's mind. T'Mana's frankness and practicality helped remind Nyota that her moping was doing nothing for anyone. Nyota realized that she needed to snap out of her despair. She had lost little when it came to the destruction of Vulcan and the best use of her energy was not contemplating the crushing losses that affected those around her, but by doing things that would actually contribute to making things better before she reposted on the Enterprise.

"So." T'Mana said as she and Nyota walked the wharf, T'Mana shivering slightly beneath a heavy coat. The fog rolled in and enveloped them both. "From the news reports I understand that Spock, the boy you knew as a little girl, was responsible for saving Earth."

"Yeah." Nyota said, suddenly shy. She hadn't spoken to T'Mana about Spock yet. She just hadn't had the time. When Spock admitted his feelings for Nyota things had just accelerated. It felt right to Nyota though, so she didn't mind the speed. And truly, the couple had known each other since they were children so it was not as though they were rushing into anything. Still, after she and Spock had decided to commit to each other so many things happened. Nyota's mother had come, Nyota had gone to Korea and then Nero struck. Nyota went over all of it in her mind. She had barely communicated with T'Mana since she had fallen for Spock. She hadn't even casually mentioned that she was acting as Spock's senior aide. How had Nyota failed to mention Spock in all of the time that she had been at the academy. Nyota shook her head.

"It is... interesting." T'Mana said, carefully weighing her words. "It is interesting that of all of the people that you would encounter as the captain of the ship that you were posted on it would be young Spock." T'Mana said, her voice being lost on the wind that had kicked up. "I would imagine that the probability of you encountering him in such a context would be less than 3.89652 percent." T'Mana glanced at Nyota, her eyes revealing nothing of her true intent with the questions.

"Well." Nyota paused. Nyota didn't know if she should just come out and say that she and Spock were involved in an intimate relationship or if she should be tactful. She decided on tact. "I encountered him when I first started here at the Academy. He was teaching."

"I see. And you were his student?" T'Mana asked, her questions becoming more pointed.

"Well, yes. For a time." Nyota had a number of personality defects. She was incredibly stubborn for one thing. She was an overachiever. She had exceedingly high expectations for others. Nyota did not know if her complete inability to lie effectively counted as a defect or not; however, she was so bad at stretching the truth that she felt her ears go warm at T'Mana's questions. If she had been able to stay silent, she might have been okay but if she was expected to respond, it could only be the truth.

"And I take it that he recognized you?" T'Mana seemed to be enjoying these questions.

"Oh, yes. Of course." Nyota said. There was a certain amount of silence between them as they continued to walk in the deepening gloom of dusk.

"It was very fortunate for you to be assigned to that ship. I know that you had desired a post aboard the Enterprise." T'Mana said finally. "I am sure that it will be a unique experience to report to someone with whom you have had a... significant relationship in the past."

"Well, yes. I suppose so." Nyota looked up at T'Mana and stretched her mind. Had Kiano told T'Mana about Spock already and T'Mana was just trying to see when Nyota would confess everything? Nyota had never considered whether T'Mana would approve of Spock or of her dating a commanding officer. T'Mana took the general approach that Kiano did in that she only cared that Nyota was safe and fulfilled by her choices in life. T'Mana did seem to have a particularly strong disposition against Spock's father Sarek though. Nyota remembered that from her childhood. Still, T'Mana had always been kind to Spock and Nyota could think of no reason for her to disapprove.

"Did you resume your social acquaintance?" T'Mana asked after another long silence.

"You might say that." Nyota bit her lip.

"Might I?" T'Mana stopped and turned toward Nyota. "You are being reticent. Is Spock unexceptional in his position? Has he done something toward you that was unsatisfactory or unprofessional? You understand that I do not require the Terran art of tact Nyota."

"We resumed our social acquaintance T'Mana." Nyota sighed. It was rare that T'Mana called her by her first name, instead preferring to call her child or a Vulcan term of endearment. Nyota could tell that T'Mana was getting into defense mode too, her protectiveness casting a net. "Spock and I were very close friends for a time. I worked for him as his senior aide and I assisted him with translations that he wished to use in a book."

"Ah." T'Mana peered at Nyota. "You are no longer friends and it is this that has caused a problem with your post to the Enterprise?"

"No. It's not quite that T'Mana." Nyota took a deep breath. "Last summer Spock revealed that he was interested in an... emotional relationship with me. I decided to pursue it. It isn't simply chance that I was posted to the Enterprise T'Mana. I worked for it, of course, but Spock knew my need to be there... with him."

"Emotional relationship?" T'Mana was still emotionally distraught which explained her eyebrows raising in response to Nyota's revelation. "But Spock is bonded." Thoughts raced through T'Mana's mind quickly. It occurred to her immediately after speaking that it was likely that Spock had suffered the fate as most Vulcans, his bond mate was gone.

"I know T'Mana. To T'Pring. They weren't suited for each other. As far as I know, they closed their minds to each other completely when Spock chose to come to Starfleet Academy. It would make sense I guess. Spock didn't seem to react to her death when Vulcan was destroyed. But I can't tell. Everything has been so busy since then, I haven't really been able to see him for any amount of time to tell what has been affecting him." Everything rushed out of Nyota at once. Nyota had wondered about Spock's bond to T'Pring and how it might affect him.

"Is it your intention to take her place as his bondmate?" T'Mana made no effort to hide the emotion in her voice. Nyota could tell that she found the situation unsettling.

"I'm not sure what we'll be doing at this point. He indicated that his intention was to be with me, no matter where I posted. But everything has changed now hasn't it?" Nyota started walking again. "All of our plans have changed. No one can plan for something like this. How could they? And if anything could rip two people apart, it would be something this horrible wouldn't it?"

"I disagree." T'Mana pulled her coat around herself more tightly. "It is tragedy of this nature that will predict the stability of an emotional connection child." T'Mana looked out into the distance. "If he is truly committed to you, then this will be the most optimal time for him to show it. And for you to show your commitment to him. It is never the deep passions within us that marks our paths with another; instead, it is kindness and comfort that binds us to those with whom we bond."

Nyota took a deep breath of the heavy cool air. She didn't respond to T'Mana then. She let her godmother's words resonate as they walked back towards Kiano's part of town. Fortunately, T'Mana was Vulcan through and through and she had no need for small talk to fill the silence between them.

***

Spock heard his name from a distance behind him but ignored it and continued walking. Spock was tired of being in the spotlight. He had done his best, illogical as the actions might have seemed, and it was over. Spock wanted to put it behind him. Spock had just reviewed the newest orders for the Enterprise. He had been assigned to the ship as had Nyota. Spock thought about this turn of events. He had doubted that they would actually be posted on the same ship and had pledged to wait for her until they could serve together. Now, with his desires so close to being fulfilled and his first love at hand, Spock was thinking about giving it all up. Spock bowed his head acknowledging inwardly that he was breaking a promise. He was a liar.

"Spock!" Kiano said again, running to catch up to Spock. Spock paused when he registered that it was Kiano. Spock looked down at Nyota's father and nodded. Kiano was apparently working today. He was wearing a custom made western style Terran suit.

"Kiano." Spock began walking again. Kiano matched his pace.

"Things are overwhelming presently?" Kiano asked, cutting to the chase. Kiano was very adaptable in his interactions with various cultures. When he communicated with Vulcans, he was concise and didn't linger in small talk.

"Yes." Spock said quietly.

"Is there anything that I can do to assist you during this time?"

"I do not believe so Kiano. I appreciate the offer of assistance." Spock said earnestly. He really did appreciate Kiano, especially now that he was the focus of so much attention. Kiano never tried to pull Spock into being more Human. Spock was comfortable around him.

"You should talk to Nyota." Kiano said calmly. Spock considered that Kiano's nearly Vulcan bluntness was not always favorable, conflicting but true.

"Perhaps." Spock said, not really knowing how to respond. The truth was that Spock probably should have spoken with Nyota but he had no idea how to tell her he would be leaving. He doubted that she would chose to forsake her own dream of serving aboard the Enterprise to stay with him. It would be illogical.

"No." Kiano said, his voice carrying an edge of frustration "Not perhaps. You _must _talk to Nyota Spock." Kiano looked up at him. "She knows you're avoiding her. Whatever is going on, you have to speak to her Spock. Whatever it is that you're holding onto or afraid of won't hurt her as much as not knowing." Kiano held Spock's gaze for some time, each man meeting a pair of black eyes.

"Things have changed Kiano." Spock said distantly. "I am unprepared to deal with the consequences of those changes."

"Illogical." Kiano said roughly. "You have no choice Spock. You must deal with the consequences of change. Whether you talk to Nyota or not, you will be dealing with those consequences. Logical action would require you to deal with the change responsibly." Kiano frowned slightly and came to a stop. Spock stopped as well. Kiano moved closer to Spock for a moment. "You told me that it was your intention to bond with my daughter Spock. Has something changed in the way that you feel about her?" Kiano lowered his voice.

"No." Spock paused, thinking about what Kiano had said and slightly embarrassed that a Human was calling his logic into question. Still, Kiano was right. Despite the circumstances, Spock still felt strongly about Nyota. He still believed that his path was inextricably linked to hers. "I will speak to Nyota."

"Good. I've heard that there will be a memorial for your mother tomorrow. I will be there on behalf of the Federation President to pay our respects to Lady Amanda and your father." Kiano looked Spock over. "Perhaps it would be appropriate for Nyota to be there as well." Kiano opened his mouth as if to speak further, but he changed his mind. Kiano gently placed a hand on Spock's shoulder, despite his knowledge of Vulcan culture and went his own way on the Starfleet Campus.

Starfleet had lost all semblance of the normal school year. Most students milled about on the campus talking about the events of the past days. It was slowly returning to its normal form but many of the cadets were now permanently assigned to ships and they would be foregoing the remainder of their classes as their missions truly began. It was, after all, difficult to insist that the Cadets would be unprepared for their posts until graduation when they'd already proved themselves in battle. Because there was no set schedule for the cadets, it was hard for Spock to determine where Nyota would be at a particular time.

Spock found Nyota curled in an armchair at a teahouse that they frequented together off campus. When Spock entered the building he was immediately struck by its silence in comparison to the campus for the last week or so. Spock straightened his posture before approaching Nyota from behind. He could only see hair, loose an cascading over the back of the chair, and that she was wearing civilian clothing. Spock understood. He had forsaken his blue shirt and was wearing his normal weekend wear of black slacks and a black sweater. He seemed to be less recognizable to students and media this way.

"Hey Spock." Nyota said before Spock could speak.

"You saw me enter?" Spock asked.

"No, but I could tell it was you." Nyota looked over her shoulder at him, a half smile crossing her lips. Spock felt the fluttering in his chest that he had gotten used to in the past two years that came when she smiled at him. He paused to consider it. It was the first thing that he'd felt besides grief in weeks. Spock sat in the adjacent chair.

"Are you well Nyota?" Spock looked at her. Seeing her, even in her dark blue jeans and black tshirt, was like taking a breath after being deprived of oxygen for too long.

"No. But I don't expect any of us are." Nyota put her PADD down and met Spock's eyes. Her eyes were so different from Kiano's. Even in amongst families, Spock was struck at the nuances that could be seen between members. Nyota's eyes were a warm, inviting and comforting shade of cocoa brown. Kiano's eyes were as black as Spock's were and he saw nothing of Nyota in them.

"I apologize Nyota." Spock took a long breath. "I have not been myself. I have been unsure of what to do next."

"A lot has happened." Nyota said calmly. If she was angry at Spock's avoidance, she did not show it.

"Yes." Spock looked in her eyes, still seeing echoes of the concern and panic that he'd seen after Nero struck Vulcan. "I am unsure of how to communicate my current state with you Nyota. There is much that... concerns me." Spock felt instantly better for being in the same space as Nyota but truly, he had no idea how to verbalize everything that had been going through his mind. He was terrified of losing her. He did not think he could stand to know that he'd hurt much less actually be apart from her. Spock was conflicted and confused.

"I'm not worried." Nyota said, taking Spock's hand in her own. "We'll figure it out. Even if it isn't easy." Nyota leaned toward Spock and brushed her lips against his cheek lightly.

* * *

Author's Note: Thanks to ayachan1412 for being my beta reader. She has been putting extra work into keeping me on track and consistent with both the film and the novelization. She rocks v.v. hard.


	4. Chapter 4

Disclaimer: I don't own Star Trek or any of its associated content.

* * *

The tea house was not far from Spock's apartment. Silently, hand in hand, Spock and Nyota walked against the grey day. Spock had not been exaggerating. Getting words from him was more difficult than usual. Nyota felt like there was something hanging in the air between them and she could not figure out what it was. She sensed that it was more than just grief and shock. After being patient and getting nothing from Spock verbally, she took his hand again, this time with a different intention.

Nyota sat beside Spock on his austere sofa and pressed her fingertips against his. Spock was trying to hold back. Nyota could tell, but Nyota thought of how much Spock meant to her and focused on the feeling of relief that she'd had when he had beamed safely back aboard the ship as Vulcan imploded. Faintly Nyota could feel Spock's emotions trickling through the link. Nyota turned and looked into his eyes, hoping that he would feel more free to share with her. Apparently, Spock understood Nyota's goal because he slid his free hand to her temple and suddenly, Nyota could feel everything, even if she did not understand it.

Nyota felt guilt. Some of it was hers, her own insecurity about failing to do more to save an entire people but most of it was Spock's. It was crushing. Nyota recognized it as Survivor's guilt. Beneath it Nyota could feel sadness. So much sadness was pouring from Spock. Nyota felt tears running down her own cheeks in reaction to Spock's emotions. Nyota wanted to say something appropriate but she could not tell what to say. She certainly had an idea, but she was unsure of what exactly was the cause of Spock's emotion.

"Spock." Nyota said quietly. "Please let me in. Talk to me. I want to help. I just feel your... sorrow. I'm not sure what to do." Nyota's mouth was dry as she spoke and she felt desperate. She'd had felt useless to Spock since they'd witnessed Vulcan's death. She felt like everything she tried was miles short. She wanted a chance to do something concrete, to do something meaningful. Nyota wanted a chance to prove that she was his companion, to be his rock.

"I can only show you." Spock said, his voice low and heavy with anguish. Spock brought his other hand up to the side of her face and pressed his forehead against hers. He slid his fingertips along Nyota's jaw and spaced them to her temples. His eyes were closed.

"Then show me." Nyota said, becoming worried at the amount of emotion that Spock was displaying. "I want to help Spock. I love you." Nyota trembled as more tears squeezed from her closed eyes.

Nyota felt Spock apply more pressure through his fingertips and then there was nothing. The sound of her own breathing faded and it was completely silent. Nyota suddenly felt hot. Burning hot. Nyota was afraid to open her eyes because the intensity of the heat she was experiencing was like that of a fire storm, flames erupting everywhere around her, a scalding wind coursing through the room. Slowly sound returned to Nyota's ears. Nyota opened her mouth to ask Spock what was wrong but as soon as the thought had happened, she heard Spock's response in her mind. He said that she was connected to him.

"Spock. What's happened?" Nyota's voice sounded distant, as though she were hearing it through the walls from another room. Nyota finally opened her eyes and she saw Spock, his forehead still pressed against her, however, the heat didn't subside.

_We share a bond. _Nyota was fairly sure she had not heard Spock say it, but she could still tell it was him responding. Nyota took a deep breath in the hopes that she could focus on something other than the insane heat that she felt against every inch of her being. It was inside of her and against her body. It was as though she had slipped under Spock's skin. She had a thought.

"You mean a meld?" Nyota asked, her temperature rising another degree. Nyota knew about mind melds. She had spoken to Spock about them when they had discussed their future together. He'd told her about the ceremony that he'd had as a little boy with T'Pring and Nyota, for some reason, had assumed that if they ever bonded, a ceremony would precede it. "I don't understand."

_There is no need for ceremony Nyota. _Spock answered her. _You indicated that I should show __you. This is the most efficient manner to accomplish such a task._

"Then how come I can't see anything in your mind? And why can't I answer you back in the way you're obviously able to respond to me." Nyota's frustration was doing nothing to help with the heat that she felt. She could feel sweat rolling down her neck and pasting hair to her forehead.

"I am shielding Nyota. It was my intention to ensure that the meld had no adverse effects before showing you what you wished to see." Spock said aloud, sensing that his telepathic communication was unnerving to Nyota. "I have not had opportunity to attempt a meld with a Human. It was prudent to ensure that you were unharmed. Such an activity does carry risk."

"Okay." Nyota leaned back and eyed Spock. He still looked the same to her. She did not feel any sudden insight into his mind. She wasn't sure how she felt about him melding with her without more warning but decided to accept it since, apparently, she'd asked for it. She was a bit disappointed. She thought that their meld would be something bigger. Nyota had not necessarily envisioned a white dress when they'd spoken about it, after all, Spock often spoke of such things in clinical terms that were hard to romanticize; however, she had thought there would be more tenderness.

"You are angry." Spock said quietly. "I apologize."

"No Spock. I'm not angry. I'm just... confused." Nyota frowned slightly. "Why am I so hot?"

"I do not know." Spock looked at Nyota for a time. "Perhaps it is a side effect of the meld. Did you experience anything unusual when I applied pressure to your psi points?"

"My hearing went out." Nyota said.

"I see." Spock looked down for a long time. "I was wrong to attempt this at such a time. My emotions are not controlled. It is unlikely that I had the necessary focus required to accomplish a proper meld."

"Spock." Nyota put her hands on either side of his face and directed his gaze at her. "It's okay. It will be okay." Nyota sighed. "You did this for a reason. You wanted to open yourself to me. If that's still the case, then show me what you wished to show me." Nyota smiled gently at the last and slowly she felt something open inside of her.

Nyota felt as though, in her mind, she were walking the edge of a magma filled crater. It was a disconcerting notion given that she could both feel her footing on the rocky edge and feel herself sitting with Spock, cross legged on the couch. As Nyota settled into the sensation, she turned inward and looked around what she presumed was Spock's emotional core.

Most prominently, on the far side of the crater, was the repeated image of Spock's mother tumbling as her footing gave way. Nyota watched the scene repeatedly, knowing that Spock had done his very best. She shook her head and closed her eyes. When she did so, she was able to perceive things more acutely in Spock's mind. She could _feel _the guilt he had about his mother and Vulcan and exactly why it struck him so acutely. He had always worried about disappointing her by not being Human enough. Nyota suddenly had a memory of a conversation that they'd had just before Spock had decided against kohlinar where Spock worried about losing his connection to Amanda. Spock's guilt was not that of someone who had not done enough. It was the guilt of someone who had betrayed someone they loved.

Nyota took a deep breath and tried to focus on other things that she felt in Spock's mind. There was something about herself that Nyota could see but it was elusive. No matter how hard she tried to focus on the spectral image that represented her in Spock's mind, it slipped out of her reach. All that Nyota could tell was that there was great sadness related to her in his mind. Nyota noted that to talk about at another time.

With her eyes still closed both inwardly and outwardly, Nyota was able to feel an image of T'Pring. Spock was saddened by her death, as he had been saddened by all the deaths, but had felt her life end more acutely. Just under his sadness at her loss there was some small amount of relief. Nyota imagined a small, poorly healed wound where T'Pring was. It was as though T'Pring were scar tissue in Spock's mind.

Finally, Nyota felt a major source of Spock's worry. She could feel his satisfaction at beating the captain. She could feel how Spock had replaced Kirk with every bully that he had encountered in his life on Vulcan, every Vulcan that sneered down at him for his humanity. She could feel Spock's worry that he was completely broken and that he would never return to a comfortable state of control. She saw that he found kissing her to be freeing and that his last request before taking the Jellyfish was for Kirk to give Nyota a message. He had never finished the sentence but had intended to send his love. She felt how Sarek's admission of love for his mother had emboldened him and that he secretly enjoyed the freedom that had come with losing control. He was terrified that he would spiral out of control and hurt Nyota, emotionally or physically.

"Spock. I trust you." Nyota said softly, tears rolling down her cheeks again. She instinctively rolled her forehead against his and took his hands in hers, interlocking their fingers. "Don't you understand? If I thought you would ever hurt me, I wouldn't be with you. I fell in love with you because I trust you." Nyota kissed Spock gently.

Spock responded gently at first but the intensity of the kisses increased. Spock pulled his hands from Nyota's and placed them on either side of her waist, surprised at how warm her skin was. In Spock's mind he felt Nyota's desire spike involuntarily. She seemed to want to prevent this from happening.

"If you wish for me to stop, you must tell me now." Spock saw, his voice strained.

"I..." Nyota paused to think. "I don't want you to stop."

Spock slid Nyota's shirt over her head and began to graze his teeth against her neck. He unhooked her bra and held her in his hands, beneath her shirt, for a moment before returning his attention to Nyota's mouth. He bit her lip, drawing a sound that was somewhere between a moan and a cry of pain. Nyota uncurled her legs and wrapped them around Spock, desperately trying to press herself against him. Spock was already tight and firm in his pants.

Spock slid down Nyota's body, wrapping his lips around one erect nipple while deftly unfastening first her pants and then his. Spock sat up abruptly and pulled Nyota's jeans off in one fluid motion and tossed them behind him. He paused to look at her laying below him her lower half bare but for a simple white undergarment. Spock thought of savoring the moment but his hunger and arousal pushed any possibility of delay aside. Spock looked into Nyota's eyes and felt her mind for what she wanted. Spock nodded down at her.

Spock had no time to pull his own pants off completely and they stayed puddled around his knees. They moved against each other, clothes rumpled and damp with sweat until they were both satisfied. When Spock finally collapsed atop her, he noticed that her skin was cool again. Spock's legs felt weak, but he managed to carry Nyota to his bedroom and gently lay her down atop his bed. He finally removed his pants and slid in next to her.

"Why do I feel normal again?" Nyota asked drowsily.

"I do not know." Spock looked at her, her hair strewn everywhere, damp with sweat and thought that there could be no one more beautiful. Nyota smiled at him suddenly. "Why are you smiling?" Spock said, an eyebrow raised.

"Because you're so sweet." Nyota moved closer to him and snuggled into his chest. "Who knew you thought such nice things about me?"

"I believe that it will take some time to get used to this new bond." Spock said, enjoying the feel of Nyota's cool skin against him. He felt better than he had in days. Perhaps he needed both the distraction and release. Of course it did not hurt that Nyota was open minded and loved him. Simply being near her soothed him. At that thought, Spock's stomach dropped again. He glanced down at Nyota, expecting a response to Spock's sudden anxiety but her eyes were closed and her breathing steady.

Spock decided to close his eyes as well. He had not slept in days. Every time he had attempted to, his mind wandered too far from sleep. Perhaps, when he woke, he would be able to meditate. Spock knew he had important things to think about and they required a clear mind. Spock matched Nyota's slow breathing and shortly he fell into a deep, dreamless and peaceful sleep.

"Good morning Nyota." Spock said as he sat at the table, watching Nyota emerge from the bedroom. He had been up for some time and had actually managed to meditate for a while before she woke. Nyota had pulled her hair back and slipped on one of the shirts that she kept in Spock's drawer on. She'd also seemed to find a pair of undergarments that were clean and suitable.

"We need to talk Spock." Nyota said sitting in the other chair at the table. Spock winced inwardly, which caused Nyota to frown at him. "What?"

"It is simply that when you announce a need to talk it is never pleasant."

"That's not true." Nyota said defensively.

"Inform me of an instance in which you announced that we needed to talk and you offered me welcome news?"

"I'm not going to let you change the subject." Nyota shook her head and wondered if Spock could tell that she couldn't think of any times when she'd offered good news during a "talk".

"Before we start, I must ask if you would accompany me to my mother's memorial this afternoon." Spock looked down, a swell of grief rising inside of him again. "I think that it is appropriate. I also think that she would have wished to have you there." Spock said softly. "Perhaps this will take the place of you meeting her as I had hoped."

"Oh Spock. Of course." Nyota took his hand in hers.

"Thank you. I, and I believe that she too would have appreciated your presence." Spock looked at Nyota for a moment and waited. "What did you wish to discuss?"

"It can wait." Nyota said as she slid into Spock's lap and wrapped her arms around his neck. Spock inhaled the scent of her body, scented lightly with his own smell and felt calm. Spock wondered if he could find way to hold on to this feeling forever and to have it chase his grief away permanently.

* * *

Author's Note: Thanks to ayachan1412 for being my ever patient beta reader! My crazy week really got in the way on me editing the sex scene down to an acceptable T rating level, so I apologize for this update for being so late. I endeavor to do better! Thanks for reading and commenting! You guys are awesome!


	5. Chapter 5

disclaimer: I don't own star trek or any of its associated content.

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Nyota stayed next to her father as Spock took several steps forward to stand near Sarek. Spock and his father stood toward the front of the crowd, a stone figure surrounded by oil lamps in the center of the semi circle of mourners that had formed. The stone figure, Nyota imagined, resembled Amanda in some manner but she knew that it did not contain her katra. The katric ark was wholly symbolic in most Vulcan memorial services and had not been used to remembrance of a Terran; however, Sarek had decided that it would be logical to use it as a means to comfort Amanda's family.

A white haired woman in an long black robe and a purple stole pushed out of the crowd and faced them. She began speaking softly, recalling the type of woman that Amanda had been. Nyota glanced around at the crowd and saw the diversity of those assembled. Amanda had apparently garnered respect wherever she had gone; there were Andorians, Tellarites, Vulcans, Betazoids and even a Klingon or two paying their respects. Of course, more than anyone, there were Humans.

Nyota had seen photos of Amanda and glimpsed her from afar on Spock's communications screen so she could instantly spot the mourners who were her family. It was unusual to see Spock flanked by so many Humans that looked so much like him. An older woman and two young men stood parallel to Spock and when they turned their heads Nyota was surprised by how familiar their profiles were. The members of Amanda's family stood silently, their faces as still as any Vulcan's might be, their eyes on the clergy woman or the figure behind her.

Kiano took Nyota's hand and squeezed it, comforting her. Nyota wondered if he could tell that Nyota was not handling things as calmly as she would have liked. Nyota had slipped on a conservative black dress and cardigan that morning, assuming that she would be on the periphery of the service, somberly paying her respects but once she'd arrived, she was overcome by anxiety. After a few moments of enduring panic, she realized that her feelings were overflow from Spock. She was displaying Spock's fear that his extended family members would blame him for his mother's death, that they would blame his father for living on Vulcan. Nyota had taken a deep breath to steel herself and Spock had made an attempt to calm down but as the service wore on, his anxiety increased and spilled over into Nyota's mind.

"You okay Ny?" Kiano whispered into her ear.

"Yeah." Nyota nodded, her mouth a bit dry. "Just a little warm." Nyota focused straight ahead. Her father knew that she was involved with Spock but as far as she knew, Sarek and the rest of Spock's family did not. She hadn't discussed whether they'd talk about it or how he would introduce her to them. In reality, she didn't know how he would introduce her anyway. After last night she wasn't just his girlfriend any more was she? Nyota had not asked if they were engaged or married. She would have asked T'Mana but she neither wanted to reveal what she had done nor that she was still unsure of its implications. She knew she loved Spock and that it was her plan to be with him, no matter what, but she wasn't clear on everything that came along with having a half-Vulcan partner. There were just certain things that one couldn't find on the web or in a book.

Spock looked over his shoulder briefly, his face nearly as stony as the figure that had played a larger part during the Vulcan portion of the service. He caught Nyota's eye for a moment, inclining his head so slightly that if she had not been mentally connected to him, she would not have noticed. Nyota nodded back took a deep breath and thought about how much she loved Spock and that his mother would have been proud. Spock returned to his initial position.

The service went on and Nyota felt herself becoming lightheaded. She was not overwhelmed with heat in the manner that she had been the night before, but she was getting warmer. She swayed into her father who must have been watching her closely because he caught her silently, propping her up against his side, his arm seeming impossibly strong in her unusual state. After a few moments, Nyota felt her legs buckle. It was only an instant, but when her father felt her sag against him he held her up and walked her outside.

"What is going on Nyota?" Kiano asked once they were outside in the mild San Francisco air.

"I'm not sure." Nyota closed her eyes and tried to focus. "Maybe I'm hungry?"

"That's not likely Ny." Kiano frowned. "Did something happen between you and Spock?"

"Like what?" Nyota said slowly, trying to stall for time. Her father's ability to hone in on certain issues was helpful sometimes. Nyota never had the complaints that some of her friends had about her relationship with her father; he always knew exactly what was wrong and with little explanation but just as frequently, it was a curse to have a parent that was so intuitive.

"Oh, I don't know." Kiano stared at her. "You're burning up and you nearly passed out inside."

"It wasn't that bad." Nyota shook her head. "And why would you think that had to do with Spock?" Nyota frowned. "I probably just didn't eat enough this morning." She'd felt hot the night before but she hadn't passed out, well, not until after she and Spock had been together.

"Well, come with me. We'll grab a bite to eat." Kiano took his daughter's arm and guided her down the steps. He paused and looked over his shoulder at her. "But if something did happen with Spock, do let me know Ny. I'd be happy to take you to see a specialist that could, you know, help you."

Spock had not been very successful at repressing his emotions from Nyota during the beginning of his mother's memorial service. He'd seen how agitated she looked and had struggled to ignore his continuing feelings of guilt. He thought he had finally succeeded but after the Terran portion of the service he saw that she was gone. Spock had planned to find Nyota to ensure that she was well but as he turned to maneuver through the crowd of those paying their respects, he was stopped by his uncle, Michael Grayson.

"Spock." Michael said, a hand on Spock's shoulder. "That was a... unique service. I wasn't aware that Vulcans believed in all of that sort of stuff." Michael's breath smelled slightly of intoxicants and his words were slurred.

"I am sorry Michael, I am unaware of what 'stuff' you are referring to." Spock said, weighing his need to be tactful to his mother's biological family with his need to find Nyota.

"Oh, you know. The chanting? I thought Vulcans didn't believe in anything. That's what I've always heard. That almost sounded like prayer. I always wondered why Mandy would go somewhere that no one believed in anything." Michael said, his tongue thick.

Spock raised an eyebrow and considered how to respond. As he did so, he saw Kiano enter the building, but he was without Nyota. Spock watched as the older man made a clear path toward him, effortlessly slipping through the crowd. Spock lowered his mental shield in an attempt to ascertain whether Nyota was well. Spock knew that Nyota had been feeling the effects of his lack of emotional control and he thought it unusual that she would leave without notifying him. Spock's mind flashed on the fact that he would be leaving her soon and that he wanted to spend as much time as possible while he was on Earth. He quickly shielded his mind again.

"So do you believe in anything Spock? Or are you just like your father?" Michael said. It was clear to Spock that his uncle was impaired; however, he was unsure of what to do about it. He glanced away from Michael and tried to find his aunt Cara. Spock hoped that Michael's wife might extricate him from this situation.

"Spock?" Kiano suddenly appeared next to Spock, surprising him. "A word when you have a moment?"

"Of course Kiano." Spock said, straightening his back.

"Well?" Michael seemed to be losing patience with Spock, another sign of his impairment.

"I apologize if I interrupted." Kiano bowed his head slightly, his practiced diplomacy showing in even the smallest interaction.

"I was just asking Spock if he believed in anything. Vulcans don't believe in anything I hear, but they did all of that woo woo murmuring in Vulcan so I don't know. I don't know if Spock is like his father and holds nothing sacred or if he took after my sister." Michael said, his speech becoming more garbled as he went on. Kiano raised both of his eyebrows at Spock.

"Are you referring to the verses of remembrance that were spoken toward the replica ark that is positioned atop the platform?" Kiano asked gently. "That is simply Vulcan tradition. In Terran terms it would be akin to 'paying respects'. Vulcans are very soulful people I find, they pour a great deal of themselves into improving the soul, and themselves really, by trying to filter out anger from their emotional landscape." Kiano nodded as though he were discussing the score of a hoverball game.

"Oh." Michael said, deflated. Even Spock could tell that he had been spoiling for a fight but somehow, Kiano had diffused him by simply speaking gently. Spock was grateful. "Well my sister, she was a good woman. She didn't deserve what happened to her." Michael shifted his eyes in the direction that Sarek was standing.

"No. Nobody did. We all grieve for the Vulcan _and _Human life lost on that day." Kiano said softly. Kiano put his hand on the taller man's back and slowly guided him toward a woman that was starting to grey, his wife Cara.

When Kiano returned Spock thanked him for addressing what could have escalated into something unpleasant. Kiano denied doing anything but Spock knew Kiano well enough to recognize the strange way that he took command of situations. Kiano informed Spock that Nyota was down the street in an Italian restaurant and that she had insisted that he return to let Spock know where she was. Kiano told Spock that Nyota had been somewhat ill during the service.

"I asked her about it Spock and she didn't seem to have any idea what might have caused her dizziness. She suggested that she hadn't eaten this morning. Did you notice anything unusual?" Kiano said, inclining his head to one side.

"No." Spock said too quickly. "She consumed her normal breakfast of coffee and a bagel after her morning run." Spock whispered so that others would not overhear. The wheels of Spock's mind were turning quickly, wondering if these distressing effects of their new bond were going to be lasting.

"Hmph." Kiano rubbed his chin. "That _is _unusual then, that she would spontaneously run a fever and then nearly pass out." Kiano said while watching Spock's eyes.

"A temperature? You did not mention it in your previous recitation." Spock took a deep breath and clasped his hands behind his back tightly.

"Oh? It must have slipped my mind." Kiano raised an eyebrow. "Well Spock, she asked me to let you know where she was. She seems fine now. I am going to pay my respects with the mourners here on behalf of the President, so I'll be off now. If you do think of something that might be reasonably connected to Nyota's little fainting spell, do let me know. I'm sure that I could find someone that could help clear up the condition, you know, once it has been identified." Kiano gave Spock a long look before he turned to press through the lingering mourners.

Spock found the restaurant within minutes, having nearly run there. Spock considered what Kiano's true meaning was while he was in transit. Did Kiano suspect his bond with Nyota? He did seem to know a great deal about Vulcan and Vulcan culture. Spock and Nyota had briefly discussed that they would not be sharing it with their parents right away; however, Spock wondered if Kiano, ever perceptive, had already discerned what had happened. Spock was worried. If Kiano could figure out something like the bond within minutes he would be able to ascertain that Spock intended to leave in pursuit of a New Vulcan homeworld as well. Spock considered Kiano's warning to him when he began dating his daughter and felt a thin bead of fear trickle down his spine. Fortunately when Spock saw Nyota sitting, a plate of pasta in front of her, he felt immediately relieved.

"I ordered you gnocchi with pesto." Nyota said as Spock sat across from her.

"You knew I would arrive?" Spock said considering the number of mourners who he had intended to thank for attending his mother's service. It was a Terran custom but Spock was sure it would have been the correct thing to do as the son of an ambassador. Spock would apologize to Sarek for leaving him alone with the task later.

"Of course." Nyota said as she took a sip of water. "Even without the bond, I know that we're never very far behind each other Spock. That's part of what makes our relationship work. We stick together."

* * *

Author's note: Thanks to ayachan1412 for being my betareader. Sorry for the delay in this story folks, there seems to be some missed signals in getting it published. :) Thanks for being patient.


	6. Chapter 6

disclaimer: I don't own Star Trek or any of its associated content.

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Spock was exhausted over the next few weeks, which surprised him. After his mother's service he felt that he was able to move forward from the binding fog of guilt slightly, however his energies were now focused on something else. He still had remorse and he was fairly sure that he would never truly heal from her absence; however, he finally understood the idea of closure that he had heard his colleagues refer to. Spock did understand that certain members of his family blamed him and his father for Amanda being on Vulcan but as Nyota had pointed out, Amanda was her own woman and she made her own decisions. It was illogical for Spock to dwell on what might have been; his mother had chosen the life she led, presumably, because she had taken pleasure in it. She had not deserved to die in the manner that she had but she was certainly living the way she wanted to until that time.

Spock's exhaustion stemmed from his adjustment to Nyota's bond to him. It was not that he regretted the bond; after all, they had planned on doing such a thing well before the events that had led to the destruction of Vulcan. Still, it had been a bad time for Spock. He had not fully explained or anticipated the results of the bond while he was in such a tumultuous state. Spock had expected his bond to Nyota to be similar to his bond with T'Pring, quiet, unnoticeable and relatively unremarkable. He was unsure whether it was because of Nyota's Human heritage, his inexperience, the fact that he was not emotionally stable at the time or a combination of those things but he was having an incredibly difficult time not spilling his own emotions and thoughts into her mind when he did not wish to.

Spock suspected that she had seen his plan to leave his post on the Enterprise and assist in finding a new homeworld. She had never said so explicitly but Spock suspected that it was what she wanted to talk about. Nyota never brought it up again; however, after the memorial service Spock had decided to clamp down the egress of his emotions to Nyota. In fact, his meditation was solely about controlling his thoughts properly. Spock thought that was working.

Eventually, if she did not decide to leave him when he revealed his decision to her, he would teach her to meditate. Spock had attempted it on prior occasions but Nyota had difficulty quieting her mind. Spock assumed that it was the way she had gotten her Human brain to be as efficient as it was. Spock was still unsure of exactly how Nyota was so able to exceed even his high expectations for her intellectually, but she did and he assumed that it came with the price of an unsettled thought process.

Presently the flow between their bond went only one direction. Spock, if he put much effort into it, could read Nyota's emotions but only vaguely. He could not access her thoughts, only the emotions that flowed with them and then, only if such a thing occurred. Apparently Nyota was not nearly as emotional as his own mother had been because Spock recalled Sarek commenting on the constant state of human emotional dissonance. Spock suspected that this was a result of his damaged mind after the bond from T'Pring had been severed. Nyota's mind had been completely without scarring. Spock was unsure of how to remedy it, especially while the remaining Vulcan healers were dispatched to help other Vulcans and assist them through their more desperate emotional situations.

Since Spock was unable to see Nyota's mind clearly, he was not sure if she had told her father about their fractured bonding. Kiano had seemed to indicate that he suspected something was amiss; however, Spock had learned that Kiano was frequently more astute than the average Human. Not much got by Kiano and it was possible, with his knowledge of Vulcan culture, that Kiano had put it all together on his own. Spock wondered if it was prudent to utilize Kiano's resources in such a time. Spock had told Nyota's father of his intentions toward his daughter, however, he did not relish explaining that he had made such a dire mistake with Nyota. Spock hoped that it would not come up during this visit.

"Ny. Spock." Kiano said as Spock followed Nyota into the spartan apartment that he had played chess in many times before.

"Kiano." Spock said, looking around the room. Spock took a deep breath to improve his concentration. He had no desire to allow his fears about Kiano's possible reaction to their bond to slip into Nyota's consciousness.

"Spock have you met T'Mana?" Kiano asked.

"Yes." Spock suspected that Kiano knew exactly when he'd met T'Mana since it had been he and Nyota that had initiated the meeting all of those years ago. Spock assumed that this was one of those Terran rhetorical questions that he had never understood. "We met when you and Nyota visited Vulcan."

"Ah yes. Of course!" Kiano said too enthusiastically. "Well then, I need not make introductions. I know that Vulcans frown on redundancy." Kiano smirked. "Thankfully, T'Mana was off world when everything happened. She's staying here with me until she gets further word on the rest of her family."

"T'Mana." Spock nodded curtly. Even though Spock had grown nearly a foot since the time that he'd last interacted with T'Mana in any purposeful manner, she was still nearly six inches taller than him. Somehow, despite his growth, he had not outgrown the feeling of intimidation from her.

"Spock." T'Mana stood just beyond the small black table that Kiano's chess set sat upon. "It is my understanding that you have embarked on an emotional relationship with Nyota."

Spock looked at Nyota before looking back at T'Mana. Spock was unaware that Nyota had shared this information although it was not particularly surprising, especially considering the type of relationship that existed between T'Mana and Nyota. Spock could feel a pinprick of anxiety from Nyota, which meant that she was feeling the emotion in abundance. It was illogical to deny his relationship with Nyota, especially since everyone else within the room was aware of it, still, Spock felt a bit defensive. He was fairly sure that T'Mana would not approve of him. She certainly would not approve of his plan to leave Nyota.

"Yes." Spock said, straightening his back. "It seemed to be the most logical course of action." Spock considered telling T'Mana that Nyota smelled like the very best of the springtime, that her mind was sharper than any Vulcan woman that he had met and that when she touched him, he felt like he was on fire from the inside but decided that, although true, it was inappropriate. Spock had a moment of empathy for his father who had been asked the same question by both a young Spock and strangers alike. Spock wondered if, had his father answered honestly, he would have been less subject to bullying.

"I see." T'Mana's lips thinned slightly as she appraised Spock. Spock refused to shift under her gaze and simply met T'Mana's black eyes.

"So uhm, I'm going to get a glass of juice. Baba, can you help me? I know T'Mana enjoys tomato juice..." Nyota said as she slipped into the kitchen. Spock appreciated her attempt to diffuse the situation; however, Spock knew that T'Mana had something to say and Nyota would not be able to deter her from saying it.

"Spock looks terrible." Kiano said as stirred redspice into a mug full of warm red liquid.

"He's tired. He lost his whole planet less than two months ago baba. How would you be feeling?" Nyota said defensively. She looked over at her father and found that he had an unusual expression on his face. "Sorry. I don't mean to snap." Nyota sighed.

"No. I understand. The loss of Vulcan is..." Kiano grasped for words. "Detrimental. Even for me." Kiano put the mug down and went back to the replicator. "Is he going to be able to resume duty on the ship when it's finished its repairs?"

"I assume so." Nyota leaned against the counter with a glass of mango juice. "He hasn't said anything and..." Nyota paused.

"And?" Kiano set down T'Mana's mug. "Is something wrong?"

"I don't know." Nyota sighed. "There's just so much going on, I can't really tell anymore."

"I'm a pretty good listener Ny." Kiano looked at his daughter silently.

"I know. I just don't want to overreact you know? Whatever comes, I think it'll come naturally."

"Well, as long as you're okay. You're okay aren't you?" Kiano looked Nyota in the eye. Kiano knew that Nyota was unable to lie.

"For now I am." Nyota smiled briefly and walked back out into the living room, deciding it was better to continue to stay quiet about her bond with Spock. She looked between Spock and T'Mana, sensing that she had interrupted something.

Spock was still standing, but he was closer to T'Mana. T'Mana, for her part, was still composed and dignified as always. Truly, compared to T'Mana, Spock looked like he had just rolled out of a gutter. Even through what Nyota thought was a Vulcan expression of shell-shock, Nyota could tell that something had eaten through the last bits of Spock's resolve. She cocked her head to one side to see if she could feel what he was feeling. She had noticed that she was no longer expressing Spock's emotions for him since the memorial service. It worried her a bit. Having access to Spock and then suddenly not having it made her wonder if he was hiding something from her.

Generally, Spock was very open about his opinions and disposition, even to the point where Nyota considered him to be a bit too blunt; however, in the last week he had been uncharacteristically reticent regarding his thoughts. Nyota thought back over her experience of Spock's mind. She knew there was something there, something about her, but she had never determined what it was. She had intended to ask him why he had so much anxiety around her but it had gotten swept up in the memorial and the simple pleasure of being together openly.

Nyota quite liked walking with Spock without fear of question. It was another reason that she was anxious to return to the ship and begin the new chapter in their lives. She hoped that Spock's attention to his long sought position as science officer on the Enterprise would remind him of what his mother had wanted for him which was, simply, for him to be happy. Nyota was ready but something inside of her wondered if Spock was. Certainly, the dejected look in his eyes would indicate something to the contrary.

"T'Mana, here is your drink." Kiano handed T'Mana the mug. "Spock, I know that you're partial to avocado smoothies but I'm fresh out of avocados. I hope a cup of tea will do." Kiano offered Spock the second of the mugs that were on the small tray that he carried.

Nyota sat on the sofa and motioned for Spock to join her. He sat next to her, keeping his eyes on T'Mana. T'Mana only occasionally glanced at Spock over the rim of her mug as she engaged Kiano in conversation. Nyota had hoped that her excursion to the kitchen would had dissipated the tension in the room but she had been wrong. She knew that T'Mana had never been friendly to Spock's father but she'd always, as far as Nyota was aware, been kind to Spock. It dawned on Nyota that T'Mana's demeanor might have changed with news of the status of the relationship. If nothing else, T'Mana was protective of Nyota. Nyota had always wondered, as a little girl, why T'Mana had never been to visit her house in Nairobi. Now, based on the look on Spock's face, she suspected that her mother, Naima, would not have stood a chance with T'Mana. Poor Spock.

T'Mana spoke about varying things; the status of the Vulcan refugees, news about her own children and interesting news from the acting Vulcan government on Vulcanis. The conversation meandered until it hit upon Spock and Nyota's future plans once the Enterprise had been fully repaired. Nyota had been relatively free of Spock's emotions but suddenly, startlingly, they enveloped her in a wave of heat and nervousness that caused her hands to shake. Nyota turned to look at Spock while T'Mana and Kiano stared at her.

After a moment, Nyota felt herself cool but when she looked back towards Spock he was rising from the sofa and heading toward the door. Nyota frowned at T'Mana before following Spock out the door. Spock was striding quickly and by the time that Nyota caught up with him, he was near the apartment building's lift.

"Spock? What on Earth is going on?" Nyota said, her voice tinged with confusion. "What was that about?"

"I believe that T'Mana lacks confidence in my suitability as your bond mate." Spock said as he waited for the lift doors to open.

"Did she say that?" Nyota asked. It would not actually surprise her to hear that T'Mana had been so blunt with Spock.

"Yes." Spock said without hesitation. "She indicated that she was solely concerned with your emotional well being and that, should I disrupt that, she would have no difficulty ensuring that I had no further contact with you. Even if it meant something drastic."

"Oh." Nyota considered what drastic might mean for someone like T'Mana. Nyota took a deep breath as she felt her face flush with Spock's uncontrolled emotion. Truly, she had no idea that he was always so turbulent below the surface. "I'm sure she was just being protective Spock. She's missed out on a number of opportunities to be the protective guardian that she wants to be."

"Vulcans do not exaggerate Nyota." Spock said firmly.

"No. I suppose that you're right." Nyota tilted her head and looked at Spock. "Listen, Spock, don't worry. You're not going to do anything with my emotional well being, so it's illogical to take offense at what T'Mana said right?" She ventured a smile.

Spock did not respond. He simply looked straight ahead.

"Right Spock?" Nyota moved into his line of sight and stood on tiptoe to make eye contact. Something was wrong.

"T'Mana is very astute." Spock said quietly, finally meeting Nyota's eyes.

"Spock? What is it?" Nyota moved closer to him and was unsure if the heat she felt was from his nearness or from his emotions flowing into her mind. "Just tell me." Nyota's own confusion ebbed out in great waves, mingling with Spock's palpable foreboding.

"I have been illogical." Spock said as he bent his head toward Nyota, pressing his forehead against hers. Nyota could feel the pace of Spock's breathing increase.

"It'll be okay Spock." Nyota pressed herself closer to him, bearing the heat that seemed to be both within and outside of her body.

"I do not believe that it will be." Spock closed his eyes, his eyelashes dark and thick against his cheeks. "It would have been best to tell you sooner. To ask your opinion, but I find that I am unable to. I wish to cling to these moments." Spock opened his eyes and Nyota saw him come as close as she ever had to a sigh.

"I don't understand." Nyota said, recalling the things she'd seen in Spock's mind.

"I will be leaving Nyota. I must serve my people. It is the only logical choice for me. I will understand if you wish to see me no more. I am sure that T'Mana will assist us in locating someone to break our bond."

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Author's note: Thanks to ayachan1412 for being my beta reader! Up next is a FIGHT!! Fights are good. They allow for making up. Thanks for reading and commenting!


	7. Chapter 7

Disclaimer: I don't own Star Trek or any of its associated content.

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When the lift doors opened Spock was not sure if he should follow Nyota in. He found that it was often preferable if, when Nyota was obviously angry, he kept his distance from her. He had expected this reaction, of course, and decided that it was most logical to face his fears. He had not been particularly logical in the past month and Spock suddenly felt compelled to regain his normal perspective. Spock took a deep breath and stepped inside.

Spock stood beside Nyota and looked down at her. Her lips had thinned and her jaw was obviously tense. Spock tilted his head to one side and considered his emotional state. He felt no influx from Nyota' obvious anger and for the first time in weeks, he felt that he was functioning within normal parameters. He pondered whether the amount of anxiety that he had been harboring since the Enterprise returned to Earth was self-inflicted through his failure to inform Nyota of his plans. Spock shook his head and chastised himself for his irrational behavior.

"Nyota." Spock ventured calmly. "Perhaps it would be helpful if you informed me of your thoughts on the information that I have just shared?" Spock knew that Terran culture frequently espoused a sharing of thoughts and emotions as a means of resolving conflict. He thought it was a reasonable manner in which to approach the situation since he was still having difficulty with their link.

"I am not in the mood to discuss it." Nyota said, her mouth barely moving. She crossed her arms tightly over her chest as the lift doors opened and two elderly women walked in.

Spock moved closer to Nyota to allow the women more of room, secretly relieved that they were no longer alone in the elevator. Spock had known that anger was a likely response and had hoped for it over Nyota's possible tears; however, he had never seen her _this _angry. It was as though rage was dripping from her pores. Spock straightened his back as the lift began to descend, calmly considering what he should say when they reached the ground floor.

"You just planned to _leave _me_?_" Nyota hissed suddenly, apparently unconcerned that they had an audience.

"You indicated that you did not wish to discuss..." Spock began but was interrupted.

"I cannot believe you would do that to me! That you would _want _to leave. What about our plans?" Nyota said in a harsh whisper.

"It is not a matter of what I want Nyota. It is a matter of what is necessary." Spock looked at the floor. The two women had gone silent and simply looked at the couple.

"You're right. I don't want to talk about it." Nyota's brow furrowed and she began tapping the ground floor button repeatedly.

"I do not think that will make the descent happen more quickly." Spock whispered when Nyota had hit the button for the seventeenth time.

"You know what?" Nyota turned to face Spock fully. "I don't _care _what you think Spock. Just like you don't care what _I _think. If you cared at all you would have at least..." Nyota stopped as a man and a small child boarded the lift. She faced forward again and all the people in the lift could see the throbbing vein in her neck.

Finally, after what seemed like an extended period of time, the lift settled on the ground floor and all of the occupants, but for Spock and Nyota, rushed out as though they were escaping a dangerous situation. Spock stepped out of the lift slowly and, when he did not see Nyota emerge immediately, he stuck his head back in. Nyota's eyes had narrowed and she was breathing heavily. Spock decided that she was very angry indeed but he was grateful that he was unable to feel it.

"Nyota. I think that it would be appropriate to talk about this issue... privately." Spock scanned the building's lobby and was relieved that there were no loiterers. He was not comfortable with Nyota's unusual outbursts. "Perhaps we could return to my apartment."

"Why Spock?" Nyota said, her tone softening as she stepped out. "So you can tell me how I'm being illogical? So you can explain how going away is more important than keeping a promise to me, to us? You _promised_. We were supposed to be together." Nyota trailed off as her voice began to crack. Nyota drew in a gulp of air before she suddenly straightened herself and began walking toward the door.

"I would not say those things." Spock said. He didn't really know what he _would _say, but he thought it would have been inappropriate to accuse Nyota of being illogical at such an emotionally sensitive time, even if it was true. "Nyota, it is not my intention to break the promises that I made to you."

"Drop it Spock." Nyota shook her head and Spock could tell that she was holding back tears. Her eyes shone in the late afternoon light. "If you don't want to be with me anymore, you should have just said so." Nyota sniffed. "God, it makes so much sense now."

"What do you mean?" Spock stopped following Nyota as she turned to face him. "I will return once a new homeworld has been established. Our plans will not be untenable they will simply be... delayed." Spock knew that the likelihood was that someone like Nyota, someone who was beautiful and brilliant, would be pursued. That was Spock's underlying worry. He had always intended to wait for Nyota but he was without the Human need for constant companionship and unlike Nyota, he was unlikely to have a number of people attempting to woo him.

"You didn't want me on the Enterprise. When you left on the Jellyfish? These last weeks? You've been avoiding me. You just don't want to do this with me anymore." Nyota squeaked out the last and Spock knew that her battle with her tears had been lost. No sooner than he had thought it, than did fat drops start sliding down her cheeks.

"No." Spock said too loudly. "You are incorrect." Spock had explained that he had not placed her on the Enterprise because he did not want to arouse further suspicion regarding their relationship. Of course, Spock realized, now any number of people on the ship knew about it and the prior point seemed to be insignificant. Spock had no desire for Nyota to continue with this train of thought. He moved toward her.

Spock approached Nyota as she wiped her cheeks on her sleeves. He held his hand toward her temple, a gesture he had done so many times that it was like second nature to him, but she ducked away. She had never done so before and Spock was struck speechless. Spock moved closer to her and tried to embrace her but she pulled away again. She backed toward the door, her mouth quivering with emotion and fresh tears in her eyes.

"Nyota." Spock whispered. "Please." Spock had never seen Nyota unwilling to talk, unwilling to work through their disagreements. It was his worst fear realized; Nyota would not be wooed away by some other person, she would reject him outright.

"Perhaps I'm just an illogical woman Spock." Nyota said as she activated the door to the building. The door swooshed open. "But I'm not ready to talk to you. Not if you thought this would be okay. Not if you thought it would be okay to do this without considering us, what it would do to us. I don't want to see you right now." And with that, she walked out into the gathering dusk of San Francisco.

Nyota got a block before she succumbed to the sobs that she had been holding in. She leaned against the corner of a building and held her hands to her face as sobs wracked her body. She had sensed something was wrong but had not made the connection that this was it. How could Spock be thinking of leaving? Didn't they mean more than that? Nyota was overwhelmed with more uncontrollable tears. She felt like she had been hit in the stomach. No wonder Spock had been so rattled by T'Mana.

Nyota considered, as the darkness fell, where she should go. She didn't want to go back to her father's apartment. She was sure he already suspected that she and Spock had bonded privately and she knew that both he and T'Mana would be too keen to find out why her eyes were red and puffy. No, she did not want to go that way. It was also possible that Spock was lingering in the lobby waiting for her. Nyota cursed the fact that most of her clothes were at Spock's place.

Nyota ended up back at the dorm. Gaila was nowhere to be seen and despite the fact that this would have been the ideal time for Nyota to have poured her troubles out to a friend, she was secretly happy to be alone with her misery. The mood around the campus vacillated between somber and elated. The cadets would be graduating soon and most were high from the destruction of Earth being thwarted while many members of the intergalactic community were still shaken, if not actively mourning, the events that had transpired.

Nyota slipped out of her shoes and jeans and lay atop her covers. The dorm was unusually quiet. There were no loud conversations in the hallway, no music playing, no footsteps in the hall. With the abnormal hush over the dorm, Nyota felt herself involuntarily drift into a troubled sleep. She dreamed of Spock, a victim of another Nero. She dreamed of herself waiting at a transporter station and Spock never returning. Nyota was tossing and turning when suddenly she sensed that the lights were on.

"Oh." Gaila said, half way between surprise and disappointment.

"Oooooh." A male voice echoed. Nyota's eyes flew open, recalling that she was in just panties and a tshirt. And she recognized the male voice. Shit. Nyota scrambled off of the bed and pulled her jeans up over her hips.

"Sorry Uhura." Gaila whispered apologetically. She elbowed Kirk in the ribs as he smiled at Nyota. "Are you okay? I didn't expect you here." Gaila let the question hang in the air.

"No. It's my fault. You're right. I haven't been sleeping here much have I?" Nyota said embarrassed.

"Yeah. I figured you'd be at your dad's... or something." Gaila quickly looked at the floor. "Hey Jim, do you mind... uhm, rescheduling?" Gaila's lips were puffy and her top was unbuttoned more than usual. Nyota could tell that her presence had interrupted something.

"No. You guys, uhm, you guys go ahead and stay here. I'll go take a walk or something. Yeah. I'll see you maybe tomorrow Gaila?" Nyota forced a smile.

"No!" Gaila protested. "This is your room Ny. And you sort of look like you," Gaila moved in closer to Nyota and whispered. "You look like you could use a little rest and maybe talking?"

"No. Really Gaila. I'm fine. You guys enjoy yourselves. Really. I just needed a break. I'll see you around okay?"

Nyota shrugged off Gaila's further protestations. She didn't feel like being a wet blanket while everyone else was so obviously enjoying themselves. She slipped out into the cool air and felt better for it. Maybe she really would take a walk. It would certainly clear her head.

After an hour of walking the campus Nyota started to get cold. She couldn't help but think about how warm and cozy laying next to Spock would feel. She pushed the thought out of her head. The very last thing that she needed to do was think about how much she would miss Spock when he went away. She felt the tears spring forth in her eyes again. She wondered how Spock could be considering something like this. Why did it have to be him? Couldn't he help from his post? Certainly no one could expect more of him. After all, he had tried to save the planet. He _had _saved Earth. Nyota sighed. She knew why he wanted to go, why he felt he had to go. It was because he _hadn't _saved Vulcan and somewhere, he still felt responsible for letting it happen.

Nyota needed to rest and clear her head. She probably needed to talk to someone outside of the situation too. Maybe she should have taken Gaila up on her offer? Nyota shrugged, realizing that it was well past the point of no return for Gaila. And for Kirk for that matter. Nyota paused. If Kirk was with Gaila, the chances were that McCoy had an extra bed in his room. McCoy knew about her relationship with Spock, likely had known for some time, and didn't disapprove. She did not know if McCoy was alone tonight, but it was worth a shot; after all, the worst thing he could say was no and she'd be back in the position she was in right now.

"Hey Len." Nyota said.

"Uhura?" McCoy swiveled his head and looked at the clock. "Not that I mind a visit from a pretty lady, but it's after one. I'm not a spring chicken like the rest of you kids." McCoy scowled slightly.

"I know. I'm really sorry Len but your roommate and my roommate are doing things in my room that aren't particularly good for an audience. Do you mind if," Nyota looked past McCoy to Kirk's bed and grimaced at its state. "If I sleep on the floor or something?"

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Author's Note: Thanks to ayachan1412 for being my beta reader! Up next, Spock gets worried and Nyota grows closer to McCoy.


	8. Chapter 8

Disclaimer: I don't own Star Trek or any of its associated content

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Spock caught his reflection in the window. He stopped suddenly. Vulcans, even half-Vulcans, did not pace. Still, Spock found that it was somewhat soothing to move about the apartment. It gave him something to do other than wonder what had happened to Nyota. He had waited in the lobby for her to return, sensibly talk about things and then embrace him, resting her cool cheek against his chest as she pressed against him; however, she had never come back. Spock had strained against their connection to determine if she was alright but discerned nothing. To say that Spock was frustrated was an understatement.

Of course, this was not an unexpected reaction. One of the reasons that he had kept his plans to himself was because he knew that Nyota would be hurt and angry. He knew that they would have a row and that it would diminish their time together while he was still on Earth. It had seemed rather logical at the time; however, he knew, ultimately, that it was far more logical to face ones fears than to hold back; to be truthful instead of reticent. There were always problems when one held onto secrets.

Spock had wandered out to the street from the lobby eventually when Nyota had not returned. He had gone a distance in either direction but had not found her. He opted to return to his apartment in the event that she arrived there and wanted to talk. Or perhaps she would want to vocalize loudly more. Or perhaps she would begin crying, the one thing that Spock truly had no ability to handle. In all cases, Spock thought that it would be most appropriate for him to be waiting for Nyota when, if, she decided to come back home.

Spock had paused over the thought that he considered his apartment Nyota's as well. She had several articles of clothing and a number of toiletries that he could not make sense of; however, it did not seem to Spock that these things would qualify as 'home' for her. Indeed, it would not even qualify as her domicile. Still, when he thought of being in the apartment, it was only appealing if Nyota was with him. Spock's eyebrow went up at this realization. If he found his living space to be suitable only if Nyota was present, or, at least,was going to be present at a reasonable interval, what would happen when he went to find a new planet for his people?

Spock always considered all variables of a given situation so it seemed illogical to Spock that he had not ever considered the effect of leaving Nyota on himself. He had considered possible outcomes of their separation, with Nyota rejecting him for leaving or choosing another as a partner being the most likely; he had considered what Nyota's reaction would be, although he may have underestimated the emotional impact it would have, and he had considered what might happen to his career in the wake of his decision. Strangely, he had never considered what might occur within himself.

Spock mulled the possibilities. He had never been in a relationship of this type before. His prior sexual encounters had never developed into what Nyota, and others, deemed to be love. He did not know that he would recover from its loss. Considering the irrational behavior that he had displayed when he had determined his true inclinations toward Nyota, Spock imagined that ceasing the relationship would be unbearably chaotic. Spock had even adjusted his meditation to correspond to the sound of Nyota clicking along on her PADD across the room from him.

Truly, the only reason that Spock was currently able to function in the face of the loss of his mother and his home world was because Nyota had lent him her strength. It had been Nyota that had offered comfort when Vulcan had been destroyed. She had been the reason that he had taken such bold risks on the Jellyfish; he did not want to see the pain of losing a world in her eyes. Of course Spock had not wanted to see the pain of losing _him_ in her eyes either, this being the main reason behind keeping his plans secret.

It was all out now and it was time to think about how to solve the current problem instead of dwelling on his earlier actions, even if those actions had caused the problem. Spock wondered if, if he had done what Nyota had suggested in the elevator, things would have been different. Spock had not considered what might happen if he asked Nyota what she thought about him leaving. He was aware that the probability of her simply saying no was at least eighty-nine percent. Of course, Nyota was a Human female and predicting her reactions was not exactly a science that Spock had mastered. But what if her response had fallen into the lower percentage of alternate responses? Might she have come to a compromise that he had not thought of? Nyota frequently came to conclusions that were appropriate yet had never crossed Spock's mind.

It was while he thought of these things that he had begun pacing. It was well after midnight and he had not heard from Nyota yet. It was neither like Nyota to hold onto anger nor was it like her to not check in. One of the things that Spock found so appealing about Nyota was that she tended to confront problems straight on. If she were angry, she would simply announce a need to talk and be done with it instead of allowing the problem to escalate. Spock never had never had to guess at what Nyota was feeling since they'd become involved and it was a pleasing experience, especially amongst Humans.

Spock decided that he would no longer participate in irrational behavior. He could either use his time productively, meditating or researching; or he could solve the problem that was most present in his mind, finding Nyota. Spock did not know what he might say to her but he wanted to try to explain himself. Despite it being so easy to talk to Nyota in general, Spock found that his ability to speak with her about his inner state was lacking. She was incredibly intuitive though, and usually elicited things from him that he would have never attempted alone. Nyota had a certain grace around emotions that Spock suspected that she got from her father. Indeed, he could not think of any other person, save Amanda, that understood him so well. Even Amanda had not seen Spock so accurately as Nyota did every day.

Spock pursed his lips and again wondered what he would do without her at his side. He walked the length of his small apartment once more and exhaled loudly. He could no longer wait. It was illogical to wait for a solution to present itself when one could engineer the end of a problem. He pulled his jacket on and walked out the door, steeling himself for the chill of the San Francisco night.

"So..." McCoy began as Nyota sat on his bed. McCoy wore a t-shirt and pajama bottoms and sat in one of the desk chairs in the room that he shared with Kirk. "Why were you in your room again?"

"I can't be in my own room Len?" Nyota sat, shoeless, on McCoy's bed. Her knees were pulled to her chest and she leaned against the wall, facing him.

"No, no, nothing like that. I'd just heard from Gaila that you hadn't been spending much time there. She said she guessed that you were studying at your dad's place, you know, because he's out of town so often and it was quiet there." McCoy ran his fingers through his hair. "Of course, I can think of another explanation." McCoy shrugged.

"Yeah." Nyota looked down at her denim covered knees. "We were so focused on keeping things from getting to the administration that I sort of left Gaila out of the loop." Nyota frowned.

"So what's going on tonight? Lover's quarrel?" McCoy made a face at the thought of Spock and Nyota fighting and being lovers. He'd seen Spock tear into Kirk at the tribunal just before the Narada's antics had drawn everyone's attention. He also knew what Nyota looked like when she was mad. It wouldn't be a pretty picture.

McCoy had known of Spock before then, but just barely; the only contact that he'd had with the half-Vulcan was when he'd encountered him and Nyota while Nyota's mother had come to visit. McCoy had heard of him, it was fairly well known that there was an incredibly young half-Vulcan teaching at his school; however, beyond that, all of McCoy's experience of Spock had been aboard the Enterprise.

"You could say that." Nyota rested her chin on her knees. She wasn't so sure that talking about it would do as much good as she had hoped.

"Well, if you'd like to talk, you've got my attention. Of course, if not, I'll turn my head while you get under the covers. You look like you could use some rest." McCoy eyed Nyota. Her eyes were somewhat puffy and she looked exhausted. McCoy did not need to be a doctor to diagnose a spell of crying.

"Oh Len, I can't kick you out of your bed. Really, the floor will be fine." Nyota said shyly. McCoy had changed the bedding when she came in and had insisted that she take his bed while he took his chances with the bed that belonged to Kirk.

McCoy continued to insist that Nyota take his bed and eventually, worn down by his arguments, she complied. He came back into the room while she was folding her jeans and placing them under the pillow. Nyota giggled as she lay on her side and faced McCoy as he lay atop Kirk's bed. It seemed so silly to have faced death together on a ship and to now be kicked out of her room because her roommate and McCoy's were acting like hormonal teenagers. Nyota felt like she was more grown up than that.

"Oh don't you worry." McCoy said when Nyota laughed. "You're not the first woman to see my face at this angle and burst out laughing."

"Oh c'mon Len." Nyota said as she propped herself up on her elbow. "I don't buy that for a second. Besides, you're a good looking guy. If you ever moved past your ex-wife, you'd probably have women throwing themselves at you."

"Oh, look who's giving dating advice." McCoy had an expression that was half frown and half smile. "Thanks, but no thanks Uhura. Anyone who thinks that a half-Vulcan is hot and sexy probably is not the best judge of what most women want."

"Hmm." Nyota's demeanor changed as she processed McCoy's comment.

"Oh, I didn't mean it like that." McCoy said softly. "Hell, I'm sure that lots of women find him irresistible."

"It's not that Len." Nyota said, deciding that she was finally ready to talk. "It's just that there probably _are _lots of women who think he'd be great. Especially wherever they decide to start a new colony. And you're right. I'm probably not like most Human women... but he fits with _me_. You know?"

"Yeah? So? And presumably he'll continue to fit you right?" McCoy let the confusion filter through his voice.

"I don't know." Nyota sighed and sunk into the pillow, yawning. She was suddenly more exhausted than she had been at the end of the Enterprise's mission. "He wants to leave."

Nyota told McCoy everything. About their bond and what she had seen, about T'Mana and Spock's response to what she had said. She told McCoy about the fight and how, now, she had no idea what would happen next. She explained that she thought, for a few minutes, that Spock was just trying to leave her but that it was far more likely that he was still suffering from survivor's guilt. She told McCoy that she was hurt that he would keep things from her and that he hadn't wanted to work together to come to some other solution. Fortunately, Nyota was out of tears for the night.

McCoy did not have much to add. He simply listened, perhaps his psychiatry training kicking in or perhaps he was just being a friend. When Nyota finished her story she could barely keep her eyes open but she did want to hear McCoy's opinion on the situation, even if it was just to say 'I don't know', before she went to sleep.

"I think that you will feel better in the morning Uhura." McCoy said as he yawned himself. "You and Spock have come this far together and that had to be a challenge right?" McCoy paused and scratched his chin. "I think that once you're both rested and that you've both thought about things, it'll be clearer. I can't imagine that he _wants _to give you, and his career, up. If he did, he's mad and you don't need him in your life anyway."

"Hmm" Nyota murmured drowsily.

"Seriously. If he actually wants to leave you? He doesn't deserve you. There're hundreds, no, thousands of men who are waiting to scoop you up. Spock has never had it so good and I don't even know him." McCoy's eyelids fluttered and his voice slipped into a whisper. "But you'll find out tomorrow."

"Yeah." Nyota said, her eyes closed. If McCoy said anything else, she did not hear it. The days toll overwhelmed her and she fell into a deep sleep.

* * *

Author's Note: Thanks to ayachan1412 for being betareader. She pointed out that Spock was being something of a bastard about all of this, and in very human way. I think that Spock, when it comes to his love for Nyota, deals with the harder parts in a very human way. I'm not sure that the logical parts of him are equipped to handle her heart, so the default goes to his human side. Of course, Vulcans have only been logical for a fraction of their history-- the bloody, violent, passions of their ancestors still swirl around inside so it might be Vulcan to behave this way too.

Up next: Spock gets the wrong idea.


	9. Chapter 9

Disclaimer: I don't own Star Trek or any of its associated content.

* * *

Spock had tried everywhere that he knew that Nyota liked. He tried the tea garden at Golden Gate park, he tried all of the twenty-four hour coffee houses that she frequented and he tried the on campus fitness center. He had stopped in his office, his old office now, and she had not been there either. Spock was unsure of whether to try Kiano's home or Nyota's dorm room next. Since he was on campus, he decided to try the dorm room.

Spock had been somewhat wary of attempting to go into the dorm because, technically, he retained his position as a professor. Although it would not break any explicit rules, Spock had spent years of trying to avoid any appearance that he and Nyota were involved in a non-professional manner. The dormitory still made Spock feel somewhat uneasy, as though he might be discovered and punished. It was illogical but many things associated with his relationship with Nyota seemed illogical.

Still, the dormitory was a far better attempt than returning to Kiano's home and facing him and his house-guest T'Mana. Spock had no desire to arouse suspicion on campus at a time that both he and Nyota were so close to being free of such scrutiny, but it was preferable to Kiano's probing black eyes and the way that T'Mana would have certainly looked down her nose at Spock. Spock recognized a nearly parental bond between Nyota and T'Mana but Spock had felt no such consideration in the tall woman's eyes.

When Spock arrived he was simultaneously angry and concerned at what he saw. He entered the dormitory and was greeted by Kirk at Nyota's door. Shortly, Gaila had joined him at the door. At least she seemed to understand the inappropriate nature of the situation. Kirk was a captain. It was inappropriate for a captain to so freely fraternize wasn't it? Gaila apologized to Spock but seemed at a loss as to why he might be at her door at such an hour.

"Gaila, why don't you go lay down? I'll talk to Spock." Kirk said, pulling a t-shirt on at last.

"I believe, Captain" Spock paused and tilted his head briefly. Kirk was, officially, still acting captain since Pike had not returned to his post and neither had Spock. No one had relieved Kirk of his title as far as Spock knew. He decided that it was an appropriate word to use in referencing Kirk for now. "That Gaila has the information that I seek." Spock said.

"Okay." Kirk leaned into Spock conspiratorially. "You can do whatever you want of course, but I don't think she knows about you and her roommate. I just guessed that you didn't want that getting around yet Mr. No Comment." Kirk whispered.

Spock had not considered that Nyota had never disclosed her relationship with him to Gaila. Spock felt a new spring of affection well up for Nyota. She so frequently considered his desires over her own and did so without any request for affirmation or praise. Spock knew that it must have been difficult for her embark on a relationship with him without telling her friend. Spock felt a twinge of something unrecognizable. It was something like remorse but different, deeper somehow.

"I see." Spock said, lowering his voice to match Kirk's tone. "Have you happened to see Lieutenant Uhura?" Spock asked at last.

"She was here earlier. She left although Gaila asked her to stay." Kirk shrugged as if to indicate that he was unsure of what had happened after that.

"I see." Spock processed this information. If Nyota had been here and left again, where had she possibly gone? Spock's memory floated to Nyota's former boyfriend and he tensed slightly. It was improbable that Nyota was in any danger but her disappearance and unusual behavior was unsettling.

Kirk informed Spock that Nyota had left at just after midnight. It was well past two now. Kirk had no other information for Spock. Spock restrained his anger that Kirk would simply allow Nyota to wander off alone into the night so that he could have privacy. Of course, Kirk had not been the one that had hurt Nyota or contributed to the situation by being illogical. That, Spock knew, fell solely on him and he acknowledged that his anger was somewhat irrational; however, there was an element of logic in his irritation at Kirk.

Spock went back out into the night to search for Nyota. He closed his eyes and took a deep breath, concentrating on their link. Since Spock was feeling less anxious with his secret out, he was hopeful that he would be able to have more success in reaching Nyota's mind. Nyota's mind was not nearly as chaotic as he imagined a Human's mind would be. In fact, it was quite orderly when he was able to actually access it. The problem remained, however, his lack of access.

Spock was able to feel a vague sadness and ache in his mind when he put all of his concentration into reaching Nyota. He focused on the faint impressions and walked, in no particular direction, while trying to contemplate Nyota's condition and location. Eventually Spock was able to ascertain that Nyota was sleeping somewhere. When Spock began to focus on his surroundings again he recognized that he was at another dormitory. Spock's logical mind was fairly sure that if Nyota was anywhere, it was at her father's. It made sense that she would return there after leaving her dorm room despite what Spock knew would be reluctance on her part. Notwithstanding this logical inference, Spock was drawn toward the dormitory. He looked up and down the tall building, all of its lights out. Spock recognized this place vaguely. He had seen Nyota meet her friend Dr. McCoy from afar at the door here.

Spock was able to use his faculty card to enter the building but he was unsure of whether Nyota was actually here and if she were, where she might be. He did have some suspicion that she was inside simply based on his meditation on their bond but he thought it was too far a stretch to assume that she was with McCoy. Then again, Nyota did seem to defy probability. Spock's eyebrows came together. He had encountered McCoy in two instances. Once, when Nyota's mother had walked in on them and again while they were on the Enterprise. The interaction with McCoy had been incredibly brief the prior semester but Spock had not particularly appreciated McCoy's demeanor on the Enterprise. Spock found him to be somewhat unprofessional; however, Spock had to admit that McCoy had exceeded expectations in replacing the ship's chief medical officer. McCoy was Nyota's friend but Spock had no idea if he could truly trust him.

Spock passed a student lounge and within it was a wall mounted directory. Spock touched the screen and activated the device. He quickly located the room that was assigned to McCoy and Kirk; turning in that direction. When Spock stood near the entry to the room he waited for some time to see if he could detect some sense of Nyota. There was no movement beyond the door. Faintly, with his ear pressed against the door, Spock could hear deep breathing and sporadic snoring. Spock pursed his lips again. He recognized that soft snore. It belonged to Nyota.

* * *

Nyota sat up abruptly. It took her a moment to remember where she was and by the time that she did, McCoy was at the door. Nyota shook her head initially, assuming that Kirk was locked out after having an incredibly predictable fight with his on again off again paramour; however, when the door opened she instantly recognized Spock's silhouette. Nyota's eyes widened slightly. She had seen Spock angry only once and that had been when he had attacked Kirk. Even when Spock had gotten into a fight with Nyota's loser boyfriend, he had been incredibly calm. He was angry now, his face twisted into a sour expression that Nyota had never seen before.

"Spock?" Nyota said while turning toward him. She stopped suddenly, remembering that she was only wearing a t-shirt and panties, that McCoy was there still. "What are you doing here?"

"I might ask you the same question." Spock said, his eyes landing immediately on the jeans that were at the head of the bed that Nyota lay in.

Nyota considered what it might look like to Spock. McCoy was in his night clothes, as was she. Spock had no way of knowing that McCoy had been sleeping on Kirk's bed, especially since McCoy had merely cleared a small space on it amongst the collection of unfolded laundry and PADDs. Nyota had been awakened twice during the night and probably looked as disheveled as she ever had after a a particularly athletic romp of sexual activity with Spock. Of course, Spock would be able to smell the tell tale scents of sex if there had been any, but Nyota suspected that sleeping in the room of another man was plenty to set Spock into a tailspin. The corners of Nyota's mouth turned down slightly and she looked at McCoy.

"Spock, it isn't what you think." Nyota said, an edge of frustration coloring her voice already. She felt that there would be no calm talk out of this. This was not a day for calm resolutions apparently and Nyota, although calmer than she had been earlier, was still angry with Spock. It would not be inaccurate to say that she was spoiling for a fight.

"Explain." Spock said, pushing past McCoy and standing over Nyota's bed. Nyota could see his nostrils flaring.

"I'm just sleeping here Spock. Jesus. McCoy was on Kirk's bed. He gave me his so I wouldn't have to sleep on the floor." Nyota looked past Spock to McCoy. "Len, can you turn around? Sorry." Nyota grinned sheepishly at her friend and shimmied into her jeans. She was embarrassed to have brought this sort of drama into McCoy's life. He was just being a friend and now he was going to be between a jealous half-Vulcan and his angry bond mate.

Spock's tension lessened slightly but his mouth was still twisted. Nyota had to get out of there. She refused to do this in front of McCoy. McCoy had done nothing but be a perfect gentleman and friend. Nyota walked past McCoy and touched his arm. She thanked him for putting her up for the night and explained that she would be leaving now. It was nearly dawn after all. She thanked him more.

"Are you going to be okay Uhura?" McCoy said, his eyes jumping from Spock to Nyota and back. McCoy had been there when Spock had begun beating Kirk senseless on the bridge and it was not something that he or Nyota had forgotten about in the least.

"I can take care of myself Len." Nyota smiled. A small dark spot of fear inside had grown inside of her after witnessing Spock's attack on Kirk but it was becoming smaller as she realized how much was truly going on within Spock at all times. He had analogized his emotional state to a volcano and every volcano had to release pressure sometimes. Nyota felt safe with Spock and if she didn't, well, she was fairly sure that she was still faster than him.

Nyota hugged McCoy and walked past Spock into the corridor. McCoy seemed to be hesitant to let her go with Spock but Nyota tried to exude confidence as she turned to wave to him. Eventually, after staring at McCoy for a long time, Spock followed her outside.

"What?" Nyota said, the cheery disposition that she had put on for McCoy vanishing. Nyota crossed her arms.

"I was looking for you. I was," Spock paused. "I was concerned."

"Funny that." Nyota said shortly. "You seem to be unconcerned about what would happen to me if you were to leave Spock. Or is it your plan to divest yourself of concern for me only when you've left? You intend to be concerned _now._"

"If you truly believe that my feelings would cease..." Spock's eyebrows came together and he looked as though he were trying to think of what to say. "Then perhaps it is truly most logical that I when I leave to seek a new home world for my people that we break the bond."

"How could you even be thinking about leaving Spock!" Nyota shouted, uncharacteristically. "You can serve your people in any number of ways! Why does it have to require you giving up on everything else in your life?"

Spock stood silently for several moments. Nyota couldn't tell if he had no response or if he had never considered the question. Nyota knew that Spock was suffering with grief and that his need to help was overwhelming him but, at the same time, it cut her to her core that his first solution would be to help others by sacrificing all that they had shared.

"I apologize Nyota." Spock said, finally. "You do not deserve such treatment." He looked at the ground and spoke softly.

"Spock?" Nyota moved closer to him. "Why can't you think of a different way? You're one of the most brilliant people on the planet. Why do you want it to be this way?"

"Logic dictates that..." Spock began but Nyota cut him off.

"Spock! Sacrificing our relationship and the career that you've worked so hard for, it won't bring any of them back." Nyota took Spock's hands as she spoke. "It'll just increase your losses. Is it logical to destroy that which you have in hand to rebuild something that will progress with or without you?"

* * *

Author's note: Thanks to ayachan1412 for her beta assistance! So I think I'm going to try to finish the story up this weekend. It'll be a few days before I post the last two chapters. Ayachan1412 said that she couldn't believe that Gaila wasn't at least suspicious that Spock and Nyota were involved. I think she does suspect-- but I also think that Nyota is a careful perfectionist... and that Gaila might let certain things slip. They'll hash it all out later I think.


	10. Chapter 10

Disclaimer: I don't own Star Trek or any of its associated content.

* * *

Nyota and Spock walked together as the sun came up but Nyota did not think that anything had changed. Spock was sorry, she could feel it through their link; however, he did not change his mind. He would still be leaving. He still insisted that New Vulcan needed him more than she did. Nyota felt a boulder descend into her stomach and stay there, dragging her spirits down.

This should have been a happy time. Later in the day there would be a formal graduation ceremony. She understood that she, Kirk, McCoy and all of her other friends that had been aboard the Enterprise would be permanently assigned there. Today the Enterprise would be handed over to Kirk and Nyota would finally realize the dream that she'd had since she was fifteen. So much had happened since the day that she'd been in Iowa to see the Enterprise with Captain Pike. She had changed so much. She'd fallen in love, she'd seen genocide, she'd grown up. It seemed so wrong for it being the beginning of the end for her and Spock.

Spock insisted that, through their bond, they would be able to be together. He said that he would still wait for her. He'd said as much when they'd decided that they wanted to make a lifetime commitment to each other; however, then, it had been him waiting for her to post on the Enterprise. Nyota was skeptical. She only had to look at the disintegration of her parent's relationship and childhood that had been exacerbated by her father's travel obligations. Even if her mother was not the person that she was, being apart only made things harder. It accentuated every flaw like a magnifying glass.

Even before their bond Nyota knew that Spock tended to be a bit jealous. At the time, she didn't know that he was constantly struggling to control his emotions. Now that she did and had seen what it looked like for him to lose control. She wondered what would happen if they were separated. She suspected that he would resent every social contact that she had if she weren't there to reassure him that he was her one and only. For a fit, handsome, brilliant person Spock was a bit insecure about his relationship with Nyota. She knew that a part of him still waited for the day when she would decide that he was an illogical choice. He had said as much when he first admitted to his stupid plan to leave.

And what would Nyota do without Spock? Who would understand her perfectly? Nyota did get quite a bit of male attention but it was only Spock who could keep up with her physically, intellectually. It was Spock who could answer her questions and make her laugh. It was Spock who trusted her abilities and her judgment. Spock had been the first man that she trusted with her life. Even his display on the bridge had not shaken that trust, although it had given her some things to think about. Spock was who kept her warm at night and kept her going with encouragement during the day. Nyota had been frustrated so many times and it had been Spock who had said something so simple and reassuring that she had found the strength to push on.

It just seemed so unfair. They had come so far. They'd worked so hard to not arouse suspicion at the academy. They had planned to marry just after she graduated. She had so looked forward to publicly acknowledging Spock as hers but now, now she wasn't sure any of it would happen. So many things could go wrong. What if Spock met a recently widowed Vulcan woman? It had always stirred in the back of Nyota's mind that Spock might find a Vulcan woman to be more appealing. He had commented that he believed that Nyota's mind was surprisingly orderly, like a Vulcan's might be; did that mean that was what he truly wanted? Spock was so good at repressing his emotions she wondered if he was simply repressing an unstated desire. Spock, although appropriately tender with her, often held back sexually. She could tell and wondered if he needed someone stronger. Someone more like himself.

Even if they could make it work from so far apart, would Spock even be welcome aboard the Enterprise? Would he expect her to leave her post to join him on some _other _ship? Nyota wondered if she would go. Spock had indicated that it was easier for married couples to be on the same ship. Would that be true for the Enterprise too? It probably was not a wise career move to transfer mid-mission to a lesser ship was it? Spock's father was an ambassador and her father was in the President's ear; however, she doubted that Spock would accept their assistance to regain a place on the Enterprise. And that was only if he wanted it. It was entirely possible that his goals would shift dramatically while working to found a new home world.

Nyota and Spock sat in the park and watched the sun come up. It was chilly and Spock held Nyota against him. It was so unusual for him to touch her openly like this and it was a stab in her heart that this would probably be one of the last times it would happen.

"You are sad." Spock said after a long silence. He had explained, in the time since their bond had been formed, that he could only feel her emotions when they were excessive or overwhelming.

"Yes." Nyota said solemnly.

"It was not my intent." Spock said.

"What did you think might happen Spock?" Nyota said, genuinely curious. She was out of tears, out of anger. She simply felt numb and hopeless.

"I do not know." Spock began. "Perhaps I failed to consider... many things."

"Hmmm." Nyota said. She couldn't think of anything else to say. She was exhausted. She had gotten just about three hours of sleep and her mind buzzed with all of the questions she had. She wished that there was a magic word that she could say that would change things but she was too practical to hold out hope for something so improbable. She'd made all of the arguments for Spock to stay that she could. She had not been successful.

"I am truly sorry." Spock said breaking the silence that had developed between them.

"I love you Spock." Nyota said. It was the only thing that she could say and mean it. She could not say that she approved of his choice. She could not say that she believed it would be alright because she did not. She would try and she would do her best; however, good intentions were not always enough. "I love you more than you can possibly understand I think."

Nyota turned and looked into his eyes. She had seen so much promise in them before, her future really. Now there was just uncertainty. Even Spock could not know what would happen. He had not recited probability like he usually did. He simply took her hand and kept saying that he was sorry. Nyota wrapped her arms around him and kissed him, relishing the feel of the chill air against her face while Spock's body heat warmed her.

"I love you Spock." Nyota said as she pulled from the kiss. She took a deep breath and began walking away. She resisted the urge to look back and, apparently, Spock resisted to urge to follow her.

* * *

Spock had difficulty accepting the fact that this was all that there would be between them but he could not argue with Nyota's points. She had promised that she would try but had also indicated that there were so many unanswered questions, so much hurt around this that she did not know if it would be possible. Spock knew more acutely now why most Vulcans eschewed emotional expression. Logic was so much simpler. If it had not been for their emotions, then he and Nyota would have likely agreed that his time in assisting his people to found a new colony was logical and they would have had their link repaired and life would have gone on.

Still, despite his current distaste for the mess of emotions, he loved Nyota. He enjoyed the emotions that she aroused him him. He had never envisioned himself in such a relationship or behaving the way he did with her. He recalled his boyhood intention to never be bonded. It had all changed after meeting Nyota. He recalled coming to Earth and hopeful that he would encounter her and how he could not take his eyes off of her when she first appeared in his class. She had been the source of his ambition. She had explained to him on a rooftop that she wanted to be on a starship like her grandfather and it had planted a seed into Spock's mind.

Spock knew that there was a ceremony today and that the permanent commissions for the Enterprise would be given out. He wondered if he should attend to watch Nyota receive her assignment. It would be bittersweet. He would be very proud of her. She deserved her post. She was truly amazing and would be an asset to the crew. On the other hand Spock knew that it would be painful for both of them to understand that the culmination of this dream was incomplete. Spock knew Nyota thought that they should be on the Enterprise together.

Spock watched Nyota walk away and decided that it was appropriate for them to have some time apart. She had told him that she loved him so he did not think that it would be the last time that they saw each other. Perhaps Nyota would come to some place where, if she did not accept his decision, she would understand it. Spock certainly understood her anger. He had expected it but he had thought that it would ultimately be like the other fights that they had. He assumed that she would be angry for a short time, come to an understanding and then they would return to normal. This situation was different. It seemed as though they would not recover from it. It seemed that this was insurmountable.

Spock went to his apartment to clean up. It was illogical but Spock wished to step away from his obligations to the campus today. Spock walked through the corridor that led to the hangar, evaluating his conversation with Nyota. Perhaps she was correct. It occurred to Spock that he was giving up far more than he, or his people, would gain. Could it be possible that he would accomplish more for his people by remaining a member of Starfleet? Spock pursed his lips and clasped his hands behind his back as he walked. Adhering to logic did not mean that choosing one logical path over another was simpler. Spock could not tell if his own biases were swaying him in one direction or another.

As he entered the hangar Spock saw a man standing a short distance away. From the man's haircut and ears Spock could tell that he was Vulcan but was dressed in an unusual manner. The man's silver hair was that of Sarek but different. There was something else about the man, the set of his shoulders and the curve of his jaw that was not that of Sarek.

"Father?" Spock said despite the fact that he was fairly sure that this man was not Sarek. The man turned to face Spock and Spock was immediately puzzled.

"I am not our father," the man said evenly. The man appeared in all respects, save for age, to be Spock. It was inconceivable but it was happening nonetheless. Spock looked him up and down, taking in every inch of what could only be himself but decades, perhaps centuries later.

"Fascinating." Spock said, a note of wonder in his voice.

"There are so few Vulcans left in this time frame, we cannot afford to ignore one another." The elder said as he looked at his younger counterpart before continuing to explain his presence in the younger Spock's time line.

Spock asked the elder why he had sent Kirk back to the Enterprise and was surprised by the elder's answer. The elder admitted, somewhat emotionally, that Kirk and Spock were meant to be friends. It was then that Spock realized that he had not been manipulated by Kirk but by his other self. It was comforting to know that Kirk was not that insightful but still, Spock wondered why would he do such a thing to himself. Spock repressed the flares of frustration that shot up in response to this information.

The elder insisted that Spock would reach his fullest potential with Kirk as a colleague and friend. Spock found the claim dubious. Truly, Kirk was the furthest thing from his mind. Spock wondered if this older version of himself knew what to do about leaving Nyota. It seemed logical that if this other version of himself knew of Kirk, he should also know of his love for Nyota. Spock wished to test his understanding before venturing onto to the issue that was more prominent in his mind.

"So forcing me to learn how to deal with Kirk, how to function beside him, how to…trust him  
it was a test?" Spock said tentatively.

"Nothing so formal. But I felt it was the best way." The elder responded thoughtfully. He went on to explain that the friendship that he deemed essential between Kirk and Spock would not have come about if he had intervened more forcibly. The elder seemed satisfied with himself, a bit of pride flashing through his eyes, when he concluded that Spock and Kirk had forged their own friendship. Suddenly he was grave again. "I am in no position to pass judgment on anyone for anything. As I said, my actions have robbed you of much if not all of the future that I know. Please understand when I say that I could not also deprive you of the revelation of all that the two of you can accomplish together."

Spock considered his elder self. It made sense for him to be open emotionally with himself. If he was not able to reveal his inner workings to himself, who would he be able to do so with? Spock's mind flashed back onto Nyota. He wanted to ask the question but something else was tugging at his attention.

"How did you persuade Kirk to keep your secret? The knowledge of your existence in this time frame?" Spock asked.

"I implied universe-ending paradoxes would ensue should he break his promise." The elder replied, his lips fluttering at the edges.

"But that did not turn out to be remotely true." Spock's eyebrows drew together as he contemplated. "Perhaps if the displacement had taken place much farther in the past, yes, but not in the course of so recent a period. No such paradox occurred, nor was likely. You lied." Spock said, his eyes growing wider with astonishment. He wondered what had happened to make him so... Human.

The elder only shrugged at Spock's accusation. Spock wondered if this was a result of the relationship that was supposed to develop between himself and Kirk. Spock could somehow see Kirk lying to achieve his goals in such a manner. Still, Spock took some small amount of satisfaction in the idea that Kirk had been misled in such a manner.

"A gamble," Spock said more to himself than to the elder. "Many things could have happened to change or interfere with the course of events. I nearly killed him, for example." Spock felt a bit of anger well up. This manipulation had nearly cost more than Kirk's life. Nyota had not looked at him the same way since. There was a trace, minuscule as it was, of fear in her dark eyes.

"Call my actions an act of faith." The elder mused. "Or if you prefer, one of trust. One I hope you'll repeat in the future. I came to trust implicitly the James Kirk of my time frame."

Spock and his elder counterpart spoke for a short time longer before Spock decided to press into the issues that were at the forefront of his mind. There was no better person to put the question to in Spock's opinion.

"The future clearly is not what it used to be. In the face of possible extinction it is only logical that I resign my Starfleet commission in order to contribute all my efforts into helping to rebuild our species." Spock said quickly. He straightened his spine wondering if his elder self would approve of his decision.

"And yet, you are in a unique position. You can be two places at once. I urge you to remain in Starfleet. In discussion with other Federation science departments I have already located a suitable uninhabited world on which to establish a Vulcan colony." The elder said as he considered Spock.

"I believe I understand you," Spock said. He decided that he would not launch into a discussion about leaving Nyota at this time. If he was truly to build his own future, he should do it, at least as far as Nyota was concerned, in his own way. He inquired as to whether the elder Spock would be available for questions, just in case Spock changed his mind. It was logical to keep all options open.

The two men that were one person exchanged a farewell. Spock considered the conversation for the whole day and well into the night. He reflected upon it while he meditated that evening. He was disappointed to have missed Nyota's ceremony but he felt that his contemplation would make her happier than his attendance. For the first time Spock was beginning to, for the first time since the tragedy, seeing that there could be another way. A way that would allow him to live the dreams that he had contemplated with Nyota.

* * *

Author's note: Thanks to ayachan1412 for beta assistance, for providing me with the text from the novelization and all of her awesome input. The first draft of this chapter used the dialogue from the novelization verbatim but it just didn't feel right (I was left wondering if Spock Prime ships K/S) so I pared the conversation way down and tried to make it flow more in my own style. Hopefully it worked!

Up next-- the end! You know what happens... but did you know how mushy it could be?


	11. Chapter 11

Disclaimer: I don't own Star Trek or any of its associated content.

* * *

After the ceremony Nyota talked to her father, brother and T'Mana. She smiled for them, as she had smiled during the ceremony for Kirk and Pike, but she knew the smile did not reach her eyes. She had so much to be happy about but nothing was enough to buoy her spirits at the prospect of losing Spock. Everything was so different now.

Kiano and Basim were hungry and indicated that they wanted to celebrate Nyota's accomplishment at a restaurant. Nyota looked at T'Mana. She felt strange celebrating anything when T'Mana had lost nearly everything; while her own heart was an upheaval. T'Mana seemed to know something was wrong but said nothing to the two men. T'Mana told them that Nyota would catch up with them later and exited, casting a look over her shoulder at Nyota as she went. Nyota slumped into a seat in the emptying gallery and exhaled.

"You doing okay?" Gaila sat next to her and put an arm around Nyota's shoulders.

"Not really." Nyota forced a smile.

"Do you... want to talk about it?" Gaila said, her voice tentative. "You're not mad are you? About last night?"

"No." Nyota sighed. "No, you're fine Gaila. I'm not mad at you. I'm just... going through some things." Nyota guessed she could probably tell Gaila everything, she was officially a graduate of Starfleet academy and assigned to the Enterprise now.

"Oh." Gaila searched Nyota's face. "Is it about Spock?" Gaila was sheepish.

"Yeah." Nyota said, not even pretending to be surprised that Gaila had guessed. Why wouldn't she have guessed? If Gaila knew anything, it was about how to spot the interactions between a man and a woman.

"It's sort of shitty for him to do whatever he's doing _now._" Gaila said, a frown overtaking her face. "Something big must have happened if he came looking for you last night."

"We had a fight. He wants to give up on Starfleet. He says he'll wait but I don't know that it'll work. I'm sort of crushed." Nyota leaned back and closed her eyes.

"Maybe it is better this way Uhura?" Gaila said hopefully. "You're going to start a whole new chapter in your life now. Maybe it is better that you don't bring stuff from the past with you." Gaila smiled lightly.

"We were going to get married Gaila. We sort of are already." Nyota frowned as she opened her eyes. How could she explain their bond.

"No way! You bonded to Spock and you didn't tell me?" Gaila whispered harshly. "Oh come on, don't act like an Orion doesn't know how Vulcans work around love and marriage." Gaila said when Nyota's eyes widened in surprise. "It makes sense I guess. We were sitting together that first day of class remember? He couldn't take his eyes off you. He didn't even notice me." Gaila mused.

"We were trying to keep it all secret Gaila. I'm sorry. I should've told you. I went back and forth on it forever, but after Kirk was able to hack Spock's test it just seemed too risky."

"Yeah. Well, I wouldn't have said anything about it. The test codes were just stuff for school. This is your life. That's serious business! And if I'd known that you were really, y'know, with him then I wouldn't have let Kirk have access to my password in the lab." Gaila paused. "How long had you been...together?"

"A while." Nyota said. "Officially since the summer before last, but we were spending lots of time together before then. You know that though. When did you figure it out?" Nyota asked.

"Oh, not too long ago." Gaila shrugged and leaned back next to Nyota. "You spend lots of time with your dad but never _that _much time. And your dad would always send you home with food. You were spending more and more time away and never coming back with anything but a smile." Gaila looked at her friend. "I wasn't positive until Jimmy started making jokes about it when he got back though and the two of them confirmed it last night by acting all suspicious together."

Nyota talked to Gaila for an hour about the situation, glad to have another outside perspective on it. Like McCoy, Gaila asserted that Spock was crazy for wanting to leave and that if he did so, he did not deserve her. Gaila seemed to know a great deal about Vulcan marital bonds though and she offered advice to Nyota on what to do if she decided that waiting for each other wasn't working. The two women stood up and Gaila hugged Nyota fiercely and insisted that she at least try to enjoy this day with her family. There would only be one of this day after all.

Nyota walked slowly to the restaurant with Gaila's words ringing in her ears. There would only be one of this day, so enjoy it. It was true. Every day that she had was unique. Today would be a day with her family, a day that Spock could have been there, but he was not. She would not have many more days with Spock and it occurred to her she should enjoy each one as much as she could. Perhaps she could be convinced to work through her hurt and persuade herself that they could work as a long distance couple by savoring every moment together.

Nyota excused herself from her family dinner. She felt bad about arriving so late and leaving early but she wanted to see Spock. Only Basim balked at her early exit. Nyota was fairly sure that she saw her father kick him under the table. She had warmed up during the dinner, genuinely smiling and enjoying her family's company but her mind kept returning to Spock. She had no idea when he planned to leave and she knew that the Enterprise would be setting off again within the week. She was on limited time.

When Nyota left the restaurant, still in her formal uniform, she had broken into a run. Suddenly time seemed too precious to waste strolling through the streets. The day had become dark with clouds and as Nyota ran, the rain started to fall. Lightly at first but then it came harder and faster. Nyota's sweat mingled with the precipitation, plastering her hair to her head and soaking her uniform through. She tried to feel through her connection to Spock to see if he was still here. She had expected him at the graduation in spite of the way things had been left that morning. She began to panic, thinking perhaps that he had already departed to find a new planet.

* * *

When Spock finally opened the door he was surprised to see Nyota. She was panting, smelled of a heavy rain and she looked relieved when she saw him. Spock started at her. He could feel her relief in his mind, but it was light, like the scent of flowers on a breeze. If Spock had not been concentrating on her so thoroughly, he would not have detected it.

"Nyota, I would not have left without saying goodbye." Spock said, guessing at Nyota's point of concern. Spock took in Nyota's appearance, her hair wet and her uniform clinging to her heavily.

"I know. It's illogical, but I wanted to see you. To make sure you were still here. You didn't come to the ceremony today." Nyota said still catching her breath.

"No." Spock moved aside to let her in. Spock was bare chested, the environmental controls of his apartment set to a temperature that was more than suitably warm and the chill air was uncomfortable. "I have been contemplating a number of things. I thought it best that I focus on them. I fear that I would have been too distracted to appreciate your achievement."

"Oh." Nyota looked down and said nothing further. Spock hated not knowing what she was feeling, especially at times like this.

"I am proud of you Nyota." Spock said. "You deserved the praise that you surely received today." This, for Spock, was the highest compliment that he could pay to Nyota. Spock had spent his whole life hoping that his father would finally speak such words to him. Even Spock could detect the flush of emotion that colored his voice.

Nyota embraced him then, resting her cool cheek against his skin. Spock had much to tell her about his encounter with himself and the things that he had contemplated but he could not bring himself to speak. He had been waiting for this. He missed her touch even though it had only been days. Spock had been feeling broken since he had returned but suddenly, he felt whole again. Now that there were no secrets between them, now that he felt more clearheaded about what would happen next, now that Nyota was in his arms again, Spock felt he could breath for the first time since Vulcan had been destroyed.

Spock unzipped Nyota's uniform and threw it onto the floor. His intentions were to help her into dry clothes so that she would be comfortable when they spoke but as she returned to position in his arms, Spock knew that there would be no talking. Nyota rubbed her face against the coarse hair on Spock's chest and inhaled deeply. Abruptly, Spock had full access to Nyota's emotions and thoughts. He was going to comment upon this but as Nyota traced a path of gentle kisses down his abdomen he decided to bring it up later. In a way, Spock was relieved to be able to drop his mental guard. It was the first time that he had done so since their initial bond.

There was something about their extended touch that gave Spock the insight into Nyota's mind that he had once had with T'Pring. Instead of finding Nyota to be dull and shallow, he was consumed by the complexity of emotions that he found within her. Nyota displayed her emotions regularly but Spock had no idea that they ran this deeply, that he had hurt her so much. Spock shrank back at the emotion as it flowed into him but moved toward Nyota again a moment later, recalling his conversation earlier in the day.

Nyota moved against Spock, her undergarments falling to the floor. He lifted her and she wrapped her legs around his waist as his hands steadied her. They locked into a long kiss, Spock exploring Nyota's mouth as though she were new to him again. Immediately, he was ready. He slipped his lounge pants down and, as Nyota ground into him, he knew that she was ready as well. Spock carried her to his bedroom but she bit his ear, eliciting a number of responses from Spock that he could not describe. Spock sensed through their connection that she wanted him to go a different direction.

"I have yet to think of a more ineffective manner of getting me to stop doing _anything _Nyota." Spock said, his voice breathy and his fingertips digging into the lush flesh of her buttocks.

Nyota merely raised an eyebrow and laughed. She too was experiencing their connection in a different manner. She seemed to be enjoying it. Spock carried Nyota toward the bathroom, sensing that this was a better option from her perspective. He intended to set her down while he ran the water but instead he pressed her back against the wall and took her that way. This seemed to meet with her approval because she called Spock's name out repeatedly, until she was hoarse.

When they had both caught their breath Spock set her down gently and finished preparing the bathwater. Nyota sat behind him. He was stretched out with her legs wrapped around him, his head resting against her stomach, the water covering his body to his neck.

"You do not seem angry any longer." Spock said into the warm damp air.

"I decided that it was illogical to focus on my anger during the time that we had left." Nyota smiled. "It will only be today once. I need to make the very best of it that I can."

"That _is _highly logical." Spock said quietly, his hand floating to Nyota's knee. "You are a highly logical woman."

"I have help." Nyota took Spock's hand where it had rested on her leg. "I saw something before, when we were touching." Nyota said, somewhat distantly.

"Our link has reverted to its imperfect state." Spock said. "I apologize for creating it poorly. Perhaps, when our healers are no longer so occupied with the refugees, we can have it remedied."

"It's okay Spock. I'm sure we'll figure out how to manage until then." Nyota thought about it. "My father seemed to suspect it back at your mother's memorial service though. Maybe he and T'Mana can figure something out for us before you leave to to help find a new Vulcan?"

"It is interesting that you mention such an endeavor." Spock said as he looked up into Nyota's eyes. "It seems that an acceptable world has already been located." Spock was still touching Nyota's fingers and could feel the confusion and excitement build as she waited for Spock's next sentence.

* * *

Nyota settled into her quarters, wondering how long she would be there on her own. It was so different being on the ship without the threat of death looming. It was nice though. She liked it. She had gone to see McCoy in his element for a few minutes before her shift on the bridge began. He'd looked her up and down skeptically but she assured him that she was fine now. It was hard to believe that it had only been a week since she'd slept across from him and poured out her woes.

Nyota had seen Kirk on her way to the bridge. He'd winked at her, the signs of Spock's beating and the subsequent fight with the crew of the Narada finally faded from his face. Nyota and Spock had just started to talk about what it meant for him to lose control in that way and Nyota was glad that the reminders of the beating were disappearing into the past.

Nyota ducked into the observation lounge. The sight of the stars took the edge off of her inexplicable anxiety. She always felt closer to the grandfather that she had never met when she looked at the stars. She checked her reflection in the glass once more. She had no idea why she was so nervous. It was not like she had never done this job before. Still, the feeling did not subside. Nyota took a deep breath and turned to walk back out.

"Spock?" Nyota smiled widely.

"I too find the sight of the stars to be... calming." Spock walked closer to the glass and looked down on Earth, his only home for now. No, Spock thought, his home was wherever Nyota was. He understood that now. Nyota and come to stand next to him and he slid behind her, his arms around her waist. "Are you aware that you are the reason that I came to consider Starfleet as an option?"

"Me?" Nyota leaned into Spock. "How is that?"

"When we were children." Spock said into her ear, inhaling her scent. "On the rooftop." Spock's eyes were closed but he could feel Nyota smile against his face. "I was illogical Nyota. I can no more separate myself from you, from my career than I can separate myself from my past or my future. All of it is bound up together." There was a long silence between them as they stared out at the stars.

"Are you ready?" Nyota whispered over her shoulder.

"I believe so." Spock responded, resting his forehead against her temple. "Although it will be up to the captain at this time."

Finally it was time to set off. When Nyota came aboard the bridge, she smiled at McCoy and took her station. After a while she felt the ship beginning come to life with movement. She took a deep breath as she heard Sulu call out that the impulse engines were ready. Chekov said that the weapons systems and shields were on standby.

"Dock control reports ready..." Nyota paused as Kirk walked onto the bridge. "Captain."

"Bones!" Kirk smiled as he walked toward his chair. "Buckle up. Scotty? How we doing?" Kirk said as he sat down. Scotty updated the captain and Nyota turned to look at the far door of the bridge. Spock did not come through. The captain gave Sulu the order to prepare to engage thrusters. Where was he?

"Permission to come aboard Captain." Spock said as the turbo lift door opened. Nyota let out a breath that she had not known she was holding.

"Permission granted." Kirk looked at Spock.

"As you have yet to select a first officer, respectfully, I would like to submit my candidacy." Spock paused and tilted his head. "Should you desire, I can provide character references."

"It would be my honor Commander." Kirk said with a smile.

Spock looked at Nyota as the captain continued his pre-launch checks. It was immensely gratifying to be here on the bridge with her only feet away. His bond mate would accompany him as he made he did the work that he found so satisfying. He would be able to go to her quarters at the end of his duty and discuss the day. Or he could take a meal with her in the mess hall without secrecy. Spock felt a thrill of excitement pulse through him at the possibilities that awaited them.

Nyota tried to repress her smile. She had spoken to Spock about what their relationship on the ship would be like. She knew he liked his privacy and she was prepared to honor his wishes; however, she did not know if showing how happy she was that the captain had accepted him as first officer was in line with his request. Several people already knew about their relationship. Would it be alright to show affection in front of them? Nyota wondered.

The captain gave the order and distantly, Nyota could hear the engines explode to life. She gave her attention to her work as Spock walked by. He raised an eyebrow in her direction, one corner of his mouth raising ever so slightly. Nyota could not hold back any longer. She smiled as broadly as she ever had. For the first time since everything had happened, it seemed that things would go their way, that the dreams that she and Spock had discussed would have a chance at coming true.

Spock saw Nyota smile as he passed her and was relieved. He no longer struggled with the burden of not knowing what would transpire between them. Spock knew they would be together. He did not need to calculate the probability. He had never been so sure in his life.

* * *

Author's Note: Yay! It's all done! I hope you liked it! Special thanks to ayachan1412 for beta assistance. One thing that she brought up that I haven't ever been able to resolve on my own is the ceremony at the end-- she wondered if it were just for academy grads or if it was for Enterprise personnel exclusively. Idk really. I can argue it either way; however, it makes just a touch more sense, to me, that it was for academy folks since it was on campus and involved the same folks at Kirk's discipline proceeding. Totally could go either way even though I've written it as a non-Enterprise exclusive ceremony (I don't assume Gaila ended up on the Farragut or the Enterprise). I hope that folks picked up on my two references to TOS: Man Trap. There was one during the chapter with the lift/fight and again here. :)

Thanks everyone for reading and comment. Comments keep me going!


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